6:12 AM

It's 6:12 AM when Ryan gets the call. 

He would have been annoyed, had he gotten any sleep, but he had been wide awake. Ryan never sleeps. Rubbing his tired eyes he rolled over and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. Spencer Smith. He was shocked, he never really expected to get a call from him or any of his ex band members to be exact. 

Last time he had spoken to Spencer was at some crappy grocery store downtown, about three years ago. And sure, there were promises of "we have to get together sometime!" but Ryan knew better than that. He was a realist and knew that Spencer had probably forgot about the exchange as soon as he got home. 

Accepting the call, Ryan brings the phone up to his ear and sits back in bed. 

"Hey, Spenc-" Crap, why the hell did he call him Spenc? They weren't friends anymore. "Uh, Spencer. How are you?" He quickly corrects himself. However, Spencer didn't respond, just breathed heavily into the phone, his voice shaking. "Woah, is everything okay?"

No response. Ryan had no idea what the fuck to do. He sat up in bed, waiting for Spencer to speak. Finally, the other man whispered into the phone. 

"Ryan... hey man... I'm uh..." Ryan could immediately sense the false joy in his voice, how obvious it was that he was covering up something. 

Another moment of silence. This was getting awkward and Ryan wanted to hang up so fucking badly but he knew better. Something was up. 

"Uh Ryan... there's something I need to tell you." Spencer choked. Ryan was at a loss. He could feel his heart hammer in his chest. He ran a hand through his hair as stress began to fill his tired body. 

"Yeah, sure... go ahead."

Another moment of silence. A sniffle. 

"Brendon killed himself last night."

Fuck.

Ryan felt his whole world come to a halt  as he registered this new information. Part of him, the naive and childish part that still resonates with him even after all these years, wanted to believe it's just a joke, that Brendon will pop in on another line and say "Got you, you fucking dumb ass." But the realist part knew better. 

Brendon Urie is dead. Brendon Urie killed himself. 

"R-Ryan?" Spencer sniffled. God, he sounds so fucked up. And Ryan had absolutely no fucking idea what to do. Ryan thinks back to when his own father died and how his bandmates consoled him and how many reassuring hugs he'd gotten and how many people had said to him "it's gonna be okay." But Ryan can't do either of these. 1) Fucking quarantine, not that he knows where Spencer lives anyway, and 2) he doesn't know if everything is going to be okay. Finally, he spoke. 

"I.... Jesus fuck..." is all he can mutter out, surprised at how strained his voice already sounds. He didn't know he'd take it this hard. Yeah sure, he knew he'd find out about the death of one of his bandmates eventually, if they happened to die before him, but he never expected it this soon or in this way. "... Suicide? Jesus...."

Both men are dead silent, aside from Spencer's occasional sniffles. 

"Are... are you at the hospital right now?" Ryan asks quietly. 

"I... I just got back." 

"God Spencer... I.... I'm so fucking sorry." 

"I just thought you should know... y'know... before... before you found out on the news, or whatever."

Ryan's mind is racing, images of Brendon in his last moments flooding his brain, taking his last gaps of air as his organs shut down one by one. Ryan wonders if he regrets it. And before he can stop himself from speaking, he opens his stupid fucking mouth. 

"Why?"

Spencer's breath hitches. Fuck, that was way too far, why the fuck would he ask that? "I shouldn't have asked-"

"No... it's okay. I... I don't know."

"Did he... did he not leave a note or anything?"

"No."

Ryan feels angry. How fucking dare he kill himself and leave his family and friends without any answers? But then Ryan feels like a fucking dick because he probably couldn't help it and didn't know what he was doing was fucking stupid. 

"Is Sarah okay?" Stupid question, she obviously isn't okay. She just lost her husband to suicide just hours ago. 

"She's really fucked up, Ry." Spencer chokes. Ry. He had called him Ry. 

"I... I just don't know what to say. Fuck." Ryan runs his hand through his hair again before releasing a shaky breath. 

The men share another the quietness of the night before Spencer speaks again. 

"I... I gotta go. I'll let you know about the funeral stuff... if we're even having one. S-Sarah wants to have a smaller one but B's family and the l-label want one a larger scale." Ryan's surprised that funeral plans are already being made, even more surprised that Brendon's fucking label get a say in this. 

"Okay..." Ryan can't really think of anything else to say. He feels completely drained, deflated. 

"Bye, Ryan."

"Wait, Spencer..." Ryan says, feeling his voice break and his eyes prick with tears. "Just... tell Sarah I'm sorry for her loss... and if she needs anything..."

"Yeah, I gotcha. Night, Ry."

And with that, the call drops and Ryan is left along with that massive hole that's now in his heart. 

He cries. 

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Sorry that this sucks ass