Chapter song: Who I Can't Have - Paola Bennet
His face was the last thing she saw before she fell asleep and his voice was the first thing she heard upon waking. It was everything she ever dreamed of. Except this was real, but it had happened under less than ideal circumstances.
She opened her eyes to see his broad back moving away from her toward the door.
"Miran bey?"
She immediately scolded herself for allowing instinct to take hold and call out to him.
He hesitated a moment before slowly turning to face her.
"Yes your highness?"
He'd never looked at her so directly, so earnestly . His normally cat-like golden eyes rounded and brightened to a green. It distracted her, not helping her already flustered state.
"I... Thank you."
"Just doing my duty princess." He stood at attention like the soldier he was.
Something passed between them then. It was an understanding, an acknowledgement that there was more to it, but that they wouldn't speak on it. She didn't know if she was good at reading people or if he just had exceptionally expressive eyes, but she always seemed to be able to read more from his glance than any of his words.
He left abruptly then and she was left blushing in front of Melike who was giving her a suspicious look.
The truth was, she'd never confessed her love to anyone, not even her precious diary. Love, was that what it was? She wasn't sure as she'd never been in love before. She'd read about it extensively, she'd heard every fairytale and legend, but no one had ever explained what it felt like. She supposed it was a very hard thing to define, and that it was highly personal and therefore subjective. But there was something inside her that said she'd know it when she found it. And he was it.
He was tall, handsome, well-built, but more importantly he was a man of discipline, of intelligence, of honor. He was a man of his word, and as frustrating as his strict professionalism was, it only proved to further endear him to her. She trusted him with her life, not because he was hired to protect it, but because of the kind of man she knew him to be. Certainly he had his faults; he was stubborn and taciturn and maybe a little bit vain, which all together gave him an air of superiority, which annoyed and amused her in turns. But his calm constancy was the balancing force to his strong personality traits, rendering him just about perfect in her eyes.
It's those rose colored glasses talking.
She reminded herself of her bias daily, but it did nothing to tamp down the feelings that bubbled to the surface. She had enough emotional intelligence to understand herself and her feelings, but she lacked the life experience that could help navigate her. Still, she had life goals and an inner morality like any young woman. One such goal, born of her contradictory mature naivete, was to marry for love. She was not one to compromise her morals. And she adamantly refused to compromise them for Prince Azat.
Melike seemed to drop the subject of suspicion and carry on with her duties, fretting around her room as was expected after an incident of injury. She was a true friend, but loyal to her father, and so couldn't be trusted with the honesty that she so desperately wanted to afford her. Besides, Melike liked Azat. Thought he was suitable . Even with all his riches, family connections, and generally tolerable demeanor, she could never find him suitable. He just wasn't him .
He wasn't royal though. He could never be hers. If her father's strictness wasn't enough for her to regret being born into royalty, then her desire for a love match certainly was. She wished so sincerely to be a normal girl that sometimes she dreamed about how she would have met him under different circumstances. One time it was love at first sight, him picking her out of a crowd and following her to return a butterfly pin that had fallen out of her hair. Another time it was a near collision, his big fancy car and her dearest horse Mavi. Every time she woke from these dreams she felt a happiness like she'd never experienced before, only to be washed away by the bitterness of reality moments later.
She'd gotten used to the feeling of disappointment. Her father called it duty . She called it subjugation. She loved her father, truly, and she wanted to obey him but...
"How are you feeling çiçeğim?"
She was so lost in thought that she hadn't heard her father come in. He stroked her hair and held her face and she felt so loved that she immediately felt guilty for the thoughts she'd had moments ago.
"I'm fine Baba."
"The doctor says you got a pretty good bump and you need to rest. And I'll await the official report, but I'm glad Miran bey was there to help you. You really need to be more careful! You know how precious you are."
Too precious. So precious that I might break.
She smiled and nodded as was her custom. But she was screaming on the inside.
