All day I had been worrying, biting my nails, I had so much anxiety. I need something to get my mind off of things so i call Anna, my best friend.
She helps me laugh a little but what I'm going to do in a few hours is so scary, its eating my insides. I know its something I cant change and that it doesn't depend on me but it makes me want to back out. To not even bring it up.
Anna tells me how everything is going to be ok and that if its not ok i have her arms to go back to. But not even that comforted me. Im not sure if i should do this.
Im pretty much as ready as i could ever be which isn't all that ready. I let go off Anna and we end the conversation.
I start to walk around my small room with like a knot in my throat, as if i was preparing to not be able to breathe again. I hear the front door open.
"Im home, honey," as soon as I heard my moms sweet voice i started to back out, I cant do this I thought.
"Ok Mom I'll be down in a minute," I feel like I'm shacking on the inside
I get my words and thoughts together before I go down stairs. I feel like if I tell mom it'll be easier for me to talk to her.
So half ready, I begin to walk down the stairs, trying to not cry, to not forget how to speak, hoping that everything will be ok.
"Hi honey, how was your day?" my mom said as she unpacked the groceries.
"Hey mom, fine," I said in weary voice. "Mom I need to talk to you,"
"What is it,"
"Mom this is serious so i need you to sit down with me and talk," I said confidently. But i wasnt feeling confident, actually I wanted to take everything back the moment i began saying it.
Mom dropped the items and made her way to the table where i was already sitting at. She sat directly in front of me. I was still shaking. I was so scared. I wanted to take everything back, I suddenly didnt actually want to do this. But inside I told myself that I was 15 and I could no longer continue to hide this.
"Mom I dont know how to say this and I'm shaking because I'm afraid that you wont except it or be ok with it. But I have to get this out of my system and I need you to cooperate because right now I'm terribly scared that you wont want to look at me after i tell you but mom please," i started to swell up with tears filling my eyes. I had just said so much and I was so overwhelmed. "Mom, please try to understand.. Please,"
"Awh baby what is it?"
Still crying I began "Since I was a little girl, I felt weird, I felt like I didnt belong with the other girls, mom you made me dress a certain way and it made me feel like a tomboy. As I started to grow up I looked at girls a certain way and I tried to deny it but I would think about it every night and it was hard because I really tried not to think about it," I stopped there because i started to see tears in my mothers eyes.
I knew that right now, she was so discussed by seeing me sit there.
"Mom, mommy, Im so sorry but I have to tell you this, i like girls, and I'm sorry to disappoint you but its not something I chose"
"Im so sorry mom" I kept on crying because I felt my mothers disapproval. It hurt.
"I want you to go up to your room, Lindin, I need to finish unpacking," she still had tears in her eyes, she had a tone as if she was denying and trying to forget.
I knew I needed to give her time to process things so I went up stairs and I continued to cry. Pulling my sleeves up, making deep cuts and crying because my soul hurt more then the physical pain.
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Rough start , sorry. I'll try to make it more interesting and less depressing. I promise.
I think ill upload whenever i get a chance to.
