This contains a depressive episode and an anxiety attack happening one after another. Suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Talks about mental health and disorders and briefly mentions autism and eating disorders.
I ruin everything,
A good day, a great night.
All because I can't keep my fucking mouth shut.
You think I'd learn no one cares about what I say. They brush it off again.
Tonight I slipped up and told that my sister made a joke about the other one not having a job yet. I tried to tell her to not make those jokes anymore, she said it was in good fun. but it's not if the other one cries about it because of the guilt and uselessness she feels.
She found out and yelled at me to just keep my mouth shut and learn social cues.
I hit myself
Again and again until my head hurt.
The thoughts got too loud.
'Why did you do that'
'You knew what you were doing'
'Evil'
'You are manipulative'
'Die'
'Run away no one would care'
'They wouldn't even look for you'
'You're what you fear you are'
'You're a bad person'
'You tore the family apart'
'Useless'
'Burden'
'Waste of space'
'Oh look she's crying like the baby she is'
'It's all an act'
'Cut yourself'
'No one would notice'
'No wonder no one answers you anymore'
'You should have died'
'Kill yourself....KILL YOURSELF'
I am diagnosed with depression,insomnia and anxiety.
There's a chance I may have a high form of autism I never found out whether or not it came back positive.
I looked up why I kept hitting myself and stumbled upon quizzes.
They've gotten worse.
I should go to the doctor to get medication.
But I'm scared I'll just try to overdose again.
I'm scared I'll shove fifteen pills in my mouth and try to swallow them.
I'm scared the thoughts are reality and that no one would care if I did it again.
Then again I'd just be letting everyone down again.
Disappointed but not surprised is what they would say. Then carry on, right?
I should stop eating. I'm fat and they're mad because I eat too much. I don't contribute to anything. I'm a parasite.
Stop eating
Don't eat
One hour.... two hours turns into almost two days.
I get sick from dehydration a lot.
I don't mean to not drink water but I feel bad for drinking it. For wasting it on myself. For us I a dish.
Maybe I should throw it up. The food I ate.
It's a waste
