once, later | trent alexander arnold

eleven

Liverpool had never been this intolerable and quiet. Life had flipped over and changed so much, and honestly you don't think about these things sometimes. But when reality is the only truth at the time I can't help but unsee the truth and the real surroundings. School had never felt this forced and out of place, my mornings were slow and school hours felt like they never pass. Scrolling through instagram for hours had become my life, and life outside was not interesting.

sometimes I look into his profile, I'm careful to not accidentally like something and expose myself, not that I think he would notice a like from me among the thousands of likes he got, but maybe he was searching for my like, maybe. And I'm not going to give that satisfaction to him. At last we had unfollowed each other because Emma from math group that was kind of my friend said that I shouldn't follow you because you were my ex, I had explained that it was not necessary since our breakup wasn't a fight, or a cheating scandal, ar at least so I think. I still follow Henderson and Joe because they never stopped following me. In total I had 274 followers and i followed 245, 0 pictures posted. Maybe I should post something and then he would also look into my instagram.

His last picture is on of him in his sunglasses, leaning against a fence by the Liverpool training ground, how cheesy. With the thought of taking some pics of myself to post. This is for me, I tried to convince myself that this was for me. But deep down I knew the real reason for this. I can lie to others but nit to myself.

I quickly changed from my pyjamas and put lipgloss and mascara on. The camera on my phone wouldn't be good enough so I pull out the camera I had gotten from my dad a few years ago, I quickly set it up and snap some pics, not once feeling like they were gonna be good enough. But I had fun, and for once I forgot about him and myself and just had fun. I proceeded to do it for hours before my camera started beeping about the storage. Exhausted, I threw myself on the bed and looked through all the pictures.

I get caught up and daze out when my phone plings, a message from one of the girls from the liverpool "wAgS:)" group. My face immediately dropped when I saw it. I remember the day Henderson's wife had asked for my number to add me to the group since most events were shared there.

"We are planning a barbecue next weekend at my backyard, big enough for us all right? bring anything you want, it's gonna be a feast!"

I didn't want to leave the group because it somehow made me feel less bad about the whole situation, and I was embarrassed for some reason. If I left there would be notification to them all that we broke up, and somehow that made my heart drop. I knew that we were no longer together but this would really just end it right?

I guess I am living in the constant though of a maybe. I mean he hasn't posted anything or said anything to the teammates I would guess, maybe i am overanalyzing this. I click on the 'leave the group ' icon and get a weight on my shoulders, that if one of the messages me privately? nothing comes up minutes after, maybe they all knew after all and were waiting for me to leave. This is the closure i needed. It seems as if he has forgotten it all, maybe I should too.