Fearless

{Prologue}

 "I'm in love with you and all these little things." -One Direction

“Looking back now I couldn’t help but notice everything - all the little things - the things that should have given it away to me before it was too late. All those insignificant little details that were so completely significant now, that I wish I could go back and notice them this time. Notice them, realise what they meant and stop it from going further before I couldn’t change anything.

But the problem is that I didn’t notice. No one noticed and maybe that’s why it led to this in the first place. Of course there were other things involved; the teasing and bullying and both physical and verbal abuse. But all that is gone now the only problem was that so is he.

He’d always said I was stronger than he was and now I understand what he meant but I’m not so sure I am. People didn’t give enough credit to the effort he made to get through this before he took his life. All the pain and suffering he went through all day, every day before he broke. They see his actions as him being weak, seeking escape from something he’s not strong enough to cope with but I know it’s anything but. I know that he was broken beyond repair. That he couldn’t try anymore because there was nothing left in him to make the effort any longer. I know he’s the strong one.

I’ll never forget Ryan because even after all of this I can’t help but admire him more for what he has taught me. I couldn’t possibly accept his decision and I don’t think I ever will but I understand and will never think less of him, couldn’t possibly. I understand and will always love him no matter what.” This is what I would love to tell my mother as she carefully sits down at the end of my bed asking me what I think about this whole situation but I was never good at expressing my feelings, especially when it came to this topic in particular, so I stared at my shoes as if they were the most interesting thing I’d seen in years and gave a tiny shrug.

I heard my mother sigh heavily. I knew this was hard on her. Of course it was, she was his mother, it was hard on all of us, I just struggled to feel sorry for her, knowing she didn’t truly understand Ryan or his actions and I knew deep down she was angry at him for what he did. I suppose at times I was angry about this situation but I could never be angry at him personally, not after what he’d gone through.

“I know I can’t expect us all to move on but we have to understand it was what he wanted.” She said and I could feel her eyes on me.

I felt tears threaten to spill down my cheeks and I pulled in a shaky breath, eyes still on my shoes, and said quietly “He didn’t want this; he had no other choice, mum.” My voice coming out more unsteady than I’d intended.

“Don’t give me that, Emma, he could of spoken to someone, anyone, we could of helped him!” She said, her words coming out shaky but harsh.

“No he couldn’t off! You wouldn’t have understood, just like you don’t understand now!” I snapped back, pulling in a deep breath, instantly regretting what I’d said when I saw the hurt flicker across her face.

She let out a sob and suddenly ran from my room. I stayed sitting on my bed, stock still feeling tears spilling down my cheeks silently as I stared at the door my mother had just retreated through. I wished Ryan would come back, I wish he’d never taken his own life and I wish I could be fine again.