"How have you been feeling lately?" said my therapist, but her voice only rang in my head. It took me a while to answer, she sat there patiently waiting for my response. "I really don't know, I haven't really been feeling like a person, I don't know it's hard to explain," was all I could manage to get out, I don't really want to talk to anyone.
"Have you spoken to anyone about it?" she asked.
"No, I just want to be alone all the time, the voices of people annoy me and give me anxiety. I mean don't get me wrong I want to talk to people I just don't want to raise or use my voice. I feel like I'm in a haze all the time, as if I were separated from my body as if I could just control it and it being the vessel that just carries me around everywhere I want to go. I just don't feel like myself, I think a lot about my childhood, of how innocent we all were, I wish that someone could've told me to value what I had and value my childhood but at the same time I wouldn't understand. I go back and think about how I even got here and the things I could've prevented, I just don't know how to feel anymore," I explained.
The session ended, I started to walk to the bus stop, as a kid I never thought I'd be in this position ever in my life, I always pictured myself successful, but guess what I'm not. All I am is a broke college student, I wish I could've told little me this, I wish I could feel bad for her of what she would become but then I realize that I have to feel bad for myself because I've become the thing she so much detested.
I arrived at the bus stop, I was a tad bit earlier than expected, therapy Is kind of helpful, I mean a little because I don't really talk of personal things to people I don't know, how ironic is that because I don't know anyone like that.
I looked around because there wasn't much to do, I stared at the street then at my feet and then the worst flashback came into mind. Crap, I hate remembering that moment. But the voice of my father and mother keep ringing at the back of my head. " honey stay back , your father and I will be back in a little bit, look, just sit here on the bench don't talk to anyone, don't cross the street and , don't follow us ok , I love you," said my mom as she gave me a kiss on the forehead, a small hug, and caught up with my father. A few moments later my mom came back but she was just bleeding from her neck, seconds later my dad came back running to me, but he was too slow, some guy came and shot him from the back, I didn't know the fate that would follow me, the guy shot me right next to my heart. All I remember after that was a lot of flashing lights and faint voices.
The sound of someone running zoomed me back into reality. I turned to see a young guy running in a hurry. He stopped and stood next to me, I quickly turned to minimize all contact. "Are you ok?" his voice resonated in my ear. I nodded. "No, you're not, you're crying," and he was right. I was crying, I guess the feeling of the tears was normal to me because I didn't feel them. I remained silent. I can't form any words. I could tell it was also an awkward situation for him too. "oh, and by the way my name is Israel, I just got here, nice to meet you," he said as he extended his hand. I reached into his hand and shook it. I gave him a vague smile. "I'm Ava," I said quietly, and he gave a big smile. There was something about him that resonated happiness, which I wish I had.
The bus arrived and he let me in first then he stepped on, we didn't speak, turns out we both had the same stop I got down and went my own way.
I got to my dorm and went into my room, sat by the window and just cried. There's a battle in me, there are two sides of me that both want to do different things. I hate myself for bottling everything up inside me. What the hell is wrong with you ava? Is all that I tell myself, I don't know what others see when they look in the mirror but all I see is a disappointment.
I wonder what would've happened to me if I did have my baby, I didn't want to lose my baby, but I did. He'd be four by now, but at the same time there would be chaos at home.
