Over Thinking.

Journal Entry 1

                                                                        12/26/14 12:00 am

        Well, I guess this is pretty much going to be my journal from now on. It's a bit odd and different though, its one where everyone can see and read it. I dont know why I thought this was a good idea. I thought writing my feelings out and having strangers relate and or help would make me feel better. Its hard for me to talk to people about everything face to face.

        Anyway here's some background history that will most likely affect my journal the most, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12, I am now 14 and still continuing my battle. I will say, I have days I am so thankful to be alive, so happy, so greatful and hopeful for the future. But a lot of the time I just dont feel anything. I feel numb. It's hard for me to sleep now, so that's why I'm going to be also putting what times I started writing and then ended.

        Some days... I will be up for hours, other days I'm up for minutes. Todays entry I wanted to express my feelings on the holidays, lonliness, and friends. As you can see it is technically the day after Christmas, and I am as lonely as can be. You know the saying about how around the holidays, people hate being single/lonely, yeah well I got a bad case of that. Its not like I depend on someone anyway. I mean, I feel like no one would want me. I can be so annoying and controlling and ugh. I cant stand me, so what makes me think someone else can too? I sometimes wonder how i still have friends. For now, anyway.

        I am one that is pro internet friends, I think they're amazing as long as you know they're not fucking creepers. And I have one internet friend in particular that I love so much, she means so much to me, but she is as well depressed and suicidal. Her and I always get into arguments, and we can be so frustrated. And when I make her upset I feel so guilty and like a bitch and I just want to crawl into a ball and cry. I dont mean to make her upset, I cant help what I say sometimes. And it's not like she's an angel either, she has hurt my feelings so many times I lost count... But I hid it, because I didnt want her to feel worse about herself then she already does. She means so much to me and if I lose her then I will lose myself and I am terrified what might happen if I am completely, and utterly, alone.

        As for friends in real, I have like, two close friends. But they're starting to grow more distant, gaining more friends, being distracted by their boyfriends, I'm always the second choice. The one who is just there, the bench warmer. I sit so silent at lunch, I try to speak but they lose interest in my conversations so fast. It sucks. And hurts a lot. Being replaced, it seems like it cuts into my heart so deep but it is a pain I know all to well.

        I will add family in for the hell of it too, god knows all of us have a dark side to the family. My parents are split, both are remarried with other people and my father lives far away from me in another state (I wont be adding any great details for privacy reasons) and I am going to fly out to see him tomorrow for christmas break (or well sort of today, it is 12 anyway) and I dont know planes just make me nervous and being on it by myself for a while with no one to talk to and too afraid to start conversation is uncomfortable. I live with my mom, and overall prefer her 100% over my dad, but I still love my dad and the family so I visit him three times a year. Yup, been flying by myself three times a year since I was 8. It sucks honestly, but it gets easier the more you go on. But the thing is... My dad just doesnt seem to care about me, sometimes he can be so cold and so crude but other times he's laughing and smiling and complaining I dont spend any time with him when he is always busy.

        Anyway I just want to make this clear to everyone, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ATTENTION WHAT SO EVER, THIS IS JUST A PLACE I WANT TO WRITE IN ABOUT MY DAY ETC. I DO NOT PROMOTE ANYTHING I SAY/DO, AND I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANY NEGATIVE COMMENTS, I AM SIMPLY HOPING FOR SOMEONE TO BE ABLE TO RELATE TO ME SO WE COULD POSSIBLY IN THE FUTURE DISCUSS IT. I find it that if I write about the majority of what bothers me I start to feel some what better, but there will always be a nagging aching pain in my chest that just never seems to get filled or go away. But I am determind for sure to stick around for the day my aching chest feels whole again and I can actually say, "im fine" or, "im okay" and mean it. And to smile with a genuine smile, and to laugh so lightly without a care in the world. I cannot wait until that day.

                                                              End Journal entry 1, 12:34 am