Loving a god (Khun Bam)

Loving a god

The higher you climb, the further we are

**

Bam was a god now. His ascent was inevitable and he had become unstoppable.

By the time they reached floor hundred and twenty one, he was the subject of every whisper – behind the closed doors of the ten families, on the lips of the young regulars – he's the irregular, the chosen one, they would murmur in terror and awe.

Twenty floors ago, there were still powerful skeptics who influenced the public opinion and few dissented from this majority. Twenty floors later, the controversy was no longer whether Bam was worthy, but when he would overthrow Jahad.

Becoming a god came with responsibilities and having compassion hurt – Bam unfortunately had tons of it. He felt connected to everyone and felt responsible for everything. He had to learn to carry the Tower or be crushed by it. He had to be strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with his worst horrors.

Everyone wanted something from Bam. They wanted his power, his conviction or – his affection.

Khun only wanted Bam.

*

Being a god was always the start of beautiful troubles and inescapable sacrifices.

Bam was no mollycoddle now. He had harnessed the power of innocent souls before and his hands had spilled blood, but there was always a first time for everything. When Jahad's Vice Commander used Miseng as a shield, he was forced to raise his traitorous bow to spear an arrow through both their chests – also successfully diffusing a bomb that had ticked down to the last second.

That evening Bam eats his dinner the same way, his good manners a consistency, and he trains the standard six hours till midnight.

Khun follows him silently into his room after the clock strikes twelve and allows Bam to stumble into his arms. Bam clutches the back of Khun's shirt, his fingers desperate, as if he is holding on to his last shred of morality.

His head collides against Khun's chest. Khun, just like every other time, does the only thing he can do for Bam now – he embraces him in that moment of eternity as Bam tips the scales between darkness and light.

Bam holds him as if it's purgatory, and if the journey to heaven is like this, Khun rather Bam not be a god.

*

It takes faith to believe, but it also takes courage not to. Along the way there were those who lost faith. Wang Nan for instance, with Jahad's blood in his bones, stood by his only family and took the side against Bam.

Khun always chose to believe in Bam. In love, a half heart or a whole heart may not make a difference to the ending, but Khun loves with a whole heart anyway.

There are the nights where Bam just needs a break from this madness, and so he takes Bam's hand and pulls him close, requesting for a dance. Bam would laugh at the ridiculousness of his request as he had never danced before, but Khun would not take no for an answer. And so with Bam's arm around his waist reluctantly, they would spin in the room like an orb, their steps taking them to a world with soft grass beneath their feet and some stars.

When they finally stop, breathless, Bam's expression slides to a muted close again, and so Khun reassures him.

"Don't look like this - I'm here with you Bam, wherever you go."

He says it as a promise, so that if he ever fails to keep it, Bam would at least remember that there was a once a time where it meant the world to him.