There Were All The Signs

11. War

Miller

3 Months Later

    I have been on deployment for four months now. The first week was the hardest, but it is shocking even in the most dangerous situations your body and mind make it almost normal. I was out on many missions, went days without bathing and limited food and slept in villages in the dirt with my brothers.

    I saw death and that was hard to wrap my mind around but what was harder was I created death. I took peoples lives, to save my own, to save the helpless who can't defend themselves. The mind is a powerful thing and it helped me block the images on most nights, and it helped make me harder. I don't like knowing that war changed me but I know it has. There is no way it couldn't.

    The thing that saved my sanity and helped keep me remembering that my life won't be like this forever is the letters I get from my friends, the care packages from my family and the sporadic phone calls I get to make to Brittany. It is crazy that being in another world has made me feel even closer to her. I don't get access to the satellite phone often, I am not on base that often but when I do she is the one I call. I ask her to give my updates to my family for me. I know my parents watch the news and I know not everything they report is true but hearing your son's base was bombed would freak any parent out.

    The last time I spoke to Brittany was about two weeks ago. I was outside because the phones don't work well inside the barracks. I was telling her about my last mission when all of a sudden we started taking a mortar attack.

    "What's that noise?"

    "Oh shit...hold on?"

    "Miller what was that? Miller? Fucking answer me!"

    "Babe can you hear me?"

    "Miller what the fuck is happening?"

    "They just started hitting the base with mortars. They were flying over my head, I am under a humvee right now. Listen babe I am sorry I have to cut this short but I can't talk right now. I love you."

    I hung up. I am sure that she has been scared to death since that. The people back home see and hear about what is happening over here and while they feel awful about it they will never comprehend what really happens. What real fear is. Our coms went down after that attack, there were many families that had to be notified of deaths so we went black. I was able to sneak in one quick call to my wife to tell her I was alive and asked her to let my parents know. She was upset that I couldn't stay on the phone longer but said she understood.

    That was two weeks ago and they finally opened communications back up. I have two months left here and I can finally go home. I was just returning from chow hall and as I pass my bunk mates they hand me the satellite phone. It is finally my turn to call my loved ones. This time I went into the barracks where I was alone. Everyone was either at PT or they were at chow. I dial Brittany's number and she answers on the second ring.

    "Hello?"

    "Man it is good to hear your voice."

    "Miller?"

    "I miss you so much."

    "I miss you too. It has been too long since I talked to you. Is everything ok? Are you safe?"

    How do you explain to a civilian that you are never really safe here? You don't.

    "Yes baby I am safe."

    "Have you got my emails?"

    "Yes I did. I really liked the pictures, especially the one with you in the red. I really liked the video. Tell me do you touch yourself like that every night?"