My Heart or My People

The letter

A week had passed since I had told Natsu of my engagement and I had avoided him. Every. Single. Day.

The meal with my father had gone exactly how I thought it would. He rambled on for two hours about how much the marriage was going to benefit the country, and how agreeable King Rogue was. And all I could think about was if slamming my head on my plate would be an easier way out.

This continued until he hurried off exclaiming that "he had a lot of paperwork to do" and "not much time until the wedding". Not that he told me when that was. He kept me completely in the dark.

A few days afterwards, I was out on one of my usual walks when I spotted Natsu going about his work. We locked eyes for a few moments before I threw myself into a bush to avoid talking to him. That was not one of my finest moments. When Aquarius saw the huge rip and stain I had acquired she looked like she wanted to drown me in the fountain.

And now I sat bored out of my mind, alone in my chambers because I refused to talk to the only person in the castle that brought excitement into my life.

"I need to get out!" I shouted, pushing myself up from my chair with such force that my head started swinging. As I tried to centre my gaze, I watched as an envelope slide gracefully underneath my door towards me. I watched it with suspicion as I cautiously walked over to it, unsure exactly what this meant.

I bent down and picked it up with the tips of my fingers, turning it around to see the seal. It was red wax, with an 'N' stamped into it.

A moment later I had dropped the ripped envelope on the floor and was holding the letter in my shaking hands. I had to squint slightly to read it as the handwriting was a mess, and the grammar was even worse. I made a mental note to get one of my old tutors to go over basic language with him.

Dear Luce,

You've been acting real weird lately like more than usual and I'm worried.
Have I done something wrong?
If I have, I get it if ya don’t want to see my face, but can ya write me back and tell me what I've done so I can say I'm sorry.
I feel real bad for upsetting you, I never meant to.

A really sorry,

Natsu.

When I finished reading the letter, I read it again, then just sat in silence staring at the wall for far too long, as the clocks ticking sound echoed in my head.

I eventually raised my hands to rub soothing circles on my temples while I contemplated what to do. The only man that I'd ever loved, and probably would ever love thought that I hated him, because every time I saw him it hurt to think that he might not feel the same way. And I was getting married to a different man anyway so it's not as if that mattered at all! Was I just going to sit here being miserable or was I going to strive for my own tiny bit of happiness. However short.
I rushed to my desk and started writing.
  
                               …

The letter I had settled with had been one of many drafts that my floor was now littered with. I left my room as the sun was beginning to set, intent on eventually cleaning them up after I returned.

The walk to his room was quiet and thankfully I didn't encounter anyone. Not even a servant, thank the stars. I didn't need any witnesses to this today.

I took a deep breath and looked down at the envelope as I stopped outside his door. I had used my favourite pink paper set, and crimson wax for the seal stamped with my initials. A flowing 'L' and 'H'.

I traced a finger around the edge of the seal, feeling the smoothness of it. The movement somehow calmed my nerves.

I kneeled down, folding my skirts carefully so they wouldn’t wrinkle under me and reached a hand to the smooth wooden surface of the door. I took a breath, trying to call on any courage I had in my body. The letter made a satisfying hissing sound as it slide underneath the door.

I didn’t have time to reconsider as I found myself running back to my rooms, my skirts in my arms, at the sound of the groan of a bed from inside.

                                  …

When I got back to my rooms, the air was thick with the stagnant smell of ink.

"This was right, wasn’t it?" I said to myself after I closed the door. "I made the right decision".

"Well, if that decision was to marry King Rogue, I'd say yes, I've heard he's very handsome, but it's not as if you have got much choice in the matter." A deep, raspy male voice remarked from the shadows. I almost jumped out of skin, but my heart slowed once I realised who it was.

"Sting! What are you doing in my room at this time of night?"

"Oh, no 'Sting, my darling brother, you are back, I have missed you so much, how was your trip?'"

My brother Sting had been away for the past month, attending political conferences and trying to improve relations with countries my father couldn't sell me off to.

"Hah. You couldn't have waited until the morning, instead of scaring my shitless by hiding in the shadows?"

"What can I say? I find the shadows oddly comforting," Sting said, walking closer to me. "And I did knock, but when you didn't answer I helped myself in." Sting crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at me. "So, is my sister going to tell me why she is writing notes and disappearing at odd hours of the night? Or will I have to take a wild guess and say it has something to do with a certain pink haired stable hand."

I could hear my heart thump in my chest. At the look of shock that must have registered on my face he said, "What can I say, servants talk, and you really need to do a better job at covering up your tracks. Your perfectionism will be your downfall."
That’s when I noticed the scrunched up piece of paper in his hand. One of the drafts of the letter I wasn't happy with.

I swear I felt my heart stop in my chest. The already dark room starting constricting around me. Air stopped filling my lungs, and I surrendered to the shadows.