aot scenarios and preferences

despondency | eren

modern au
y/n's pov
pt. 1

he was well-liked in our grade, despite how aggravating he is.

i remember how we met. it was the first day of school, and it was my first day of being in a new school for a third year in high school. at the door, the teacher told me to pick out a card. i picked out the card that had the number 1 on it.

"great! so for today, you'll be sitting on the first table near the window. that's table 1!" she said happily. the class was a bit narrow, it had 6 tables with three on the sides. the table i was to sit on already had one person there.

it was a brunet boy, with turquoise eyes drooped in boredom, and he had tannish skin. as i sat down i didn't acknowledge him at first, only greeting him back but that's it.

it wasn't much of a first meeting, i did talk to him a few days after and i then found out many girls were attracted to him, while some other girls found him annoying, and a few others ignored his existence. i was at first one of those few girls, but ended up being one of the girls who were attracted to him.

it felt wrong being attracted to him, considering my other friend had her eyes on him first.

anyways, we somehow exchanged numbers but never really texted each other. until one day when he was absent, and i swear i don't know why.. but i sent him a text asking him where he is. he texted back almost immediately, saying he was at home and didn't feel like coming to school.

i read it but didn't reply, i was too focused on why i sent him that text since he has missed schools a couple times before. he then sent a text asking me for a picture of myself, and that he wanted it as a contact picture. i replied that i'll send one if he sends one too.

i wish i haven't sent a text in the first place. i would've been able to control my small attraction.

after that he would hug me a lot, like he did with the other girls. i would go to school, hoping to see him instead of wanting to focus on my grades. soon, it was a small attraction that turned into a whole crush.  i even had some.. thoughts. thoughts of him holding me, our bare skin making contact with each other—you get it. what i didn't think, was that he had the same thoughts.

it was on a saturday, oh how well i remember this part. i was getting kind of drunk with my family since it was one of those nights where we go out. i got a text from eren, saying, "y/n".

that kind of creeped me out, even scared me. imagine getting a text with just your name on it and you're out at the moment, plus.. it's from someone who can't seem to find his way out of your head. it wasn't love, but what if it was lust? am i touch deprived?

i took a few 10 minutes or so, not wanting to seem like i was desperate. i replied, telling him it scared me that he just put my name.

"haha, i just wanted to tell you something"
eren

"oh? what is it?"
y/n

"i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate you for being there. you see.. i have anxiety and hugging you just seems to calm me. which is the reason why i hug you tight sometimes..."
eren

i just wanted to burst out laughing. this is pure bullshit, he literally hugs other girls too. but part of me wants to believe that maybe i was special. just because he's surrounded with others doesn't mean that he'll only be with the ones who chase him, right? the friend who had a crush on him first told me that he chases after people who don't want him.

"thank you! honestly it's a bit hard taking that in since i'm kind of drunk right now"
y/n

goddamnit why did i say that oh my god he's going to think i'm one of those people who think they're cool for drinking

"ahaaaaaaa i didn't mean it in any way lol i'm sorry if it seems a bit much and i understand if you won't to be my friend anymore"
y/n

god that was more embarrassing why am i like this this better be an illusion i better be dreaming i can't deal with myself i want to crawl somewhere and just get ea—

"it's okay!! i won't abandon you for drinking, what we got isn't frail"
eren

it was that sentence that made me feel more for him. that stupid sentence that made me feel special. looking back at this, i have a feeling i was special. but because of how i didn't believe it and refused to accept my feelings for him, he didn't think i was the same about him.

there was another time too, when he said something similar. i remember it clearly, he said "one day you'll understand that our friendship isn't that fragile"

god—there's so much about this guy i want to talk about, i want to warn other people, girls and guys. but there's not point right? because in reality i just want to spill my feelings in this because i regret what i've done and how i made it turn out. was i too annoying? was it because of the insults? i don't know anymore