The 5 Of Me

Crying in the school

There I was, crying on the floor of my third grade classroom, age 8. The kids were bullying me again. "Your such a loner Sarah." "Make some friends you fat freak." "Your arms are the weight of my whole entire body." Everytime another word came out of their mouths, I sobbed even more. "Fat" stood out to me the most.
The girl I thought I could trust forever, turned on me. The boy that was always there, suddenly wasn't. The teacher didn't even help me because I would make up excuses. From the time I would get bullied I had self esteem problems. This is where my story begins.

They wouldn't stop, they wouldn't stop calling me names. This hurt, this burned me, killed me even. It was a hard time for me, a dark and deep time.

In 4th grade, I got better. I had the same friends because no one else liked me. They pretended like they did. I was loud, thought I was happy too. I wasn't, and I notice it now.

5th grade, I met my new best friend, Alexandra. She is the best friend a person can ever have. She's beautiful, funny, athletic, and perfect to me. I wasn't depressed, not even one bit. I looked into the mirror at myself, in that summer, and only saw fat, and ugly. I would try to look better by putting on "some"makeup. Then, 6th grade started, and it was hell.

6th grade is when everything went downhill. I lost many friends, and became more self conscious. I would wear a ton of makeup and kept trying to loose weight. I wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, and could barely even stay alive. It was hard for me to breathe at some points, but I would take the pain to be beautiful. I thought beauty was being skinny and having blonde hair and blue eyes, and curves all at the same time. I wanted to look like a model, but just couldn't achieve the look. That made me so angry.

The rec in FL is a great place to meet new people, and to have fun. During the middle of 6th grade, I went. I was alone, so I decided to go to the bathroom and hide out in there. In a split second, my slight happiness went away.

This girl came in, and punched me in the face. She didn't care if she would get caught or not. Her name was Ana. She gave me a black eye, and many bruises on my neck, back, and arms. This pushed me deeper into my depression. I cut as soon as I got home that day, all up my arms, from my elbow to my wrist.

I pretended like nothing happened, then one of my friends saw. She was nervous and scared for me, but I told her it was my dog. She believed me, until they were all up my arm, my legs, and all over my hips.

She freaked out a little bit and had a long discussion with me about it.

"Why would you do this to yourself? Your so beautiful! You shouldn't be depressed..." She didn't understand, and she never would. "Your probably just doing this for attention."

She made nothing better, so I decided to never talk to her again. Later that month, I found out she was also self harming herself, and was extremely depressed. I never thought she would be like that. I decided to try to talk to her again, but she just ignored me.

"Shari, please listen to me. Can we please be friends again? I need you, and I can tell you need me too," I say with tears in my eyes. She just turns away, and keeps doing her homework. I keep trying to get her attention. It doesn't work. I finally give up, and decide to just forget about it all. At this time, I had a crush on someone named Nash. He was amazing, and funny, but a douche( hey I won't lie!)

I started hearing voices, and noticing how my life was slowly getting worse, and I was getting more depressed. Instead of listening to pop songs, I would listen to songs about anorexia and drinking. I also started getting into wine and beer at the end of the 6th grade. (Don't worry. I won't go too fast in this story... So I'll back up a bit into the story.)