Burning

I

It was 3am when I got it. Of course I was still up, thinking out loud. I felt my phone vibrate from under my pillow. I was confused as to why or who would message me at this time. When I saw who it was my heart skipped a beat. I thought, "What are the odds of the person I'm thinking about actually be awake, and actually took the thought and time to message me?"

The screen read "Matt - imessage", I opened it and he asked if I was awake. I didn't wanna reply because he probably was gonna ask for the same thing he's been asking for since we broke up. Nudes.

But of course me taking pity on him replied with a simple, "yes".
I got an immediate reply. He wanted to know why. I didn't know how to answer because I didn't even have an answer for myself.

I just told him I was stressed out and all he said was "same". Then as if I wasn't surprised he texted me, he told me something.

"I miss you."

My heart started pounding. It felt like it would burst out of my chest any moment now. I didn't know what to say. Why was this happening? Was this another trick to get me into bed with him? At this point in my life I didn't know if he was being serious or not.

After not replying for a couple of minutes which felt like an eternity, he asked if he could see me. My heart started to slow down as if I was comfortable with him seeing me. I sent a simple "yea" and locked me phone. I felt another vibration but didn't bother looking at it. I held my phone to my chest and stared in the blank space for about 20 seconds before getting out of bed to get dressed.

I put on sweatpants, Van Sneakers, and my Nirvana band t-shirt. I lay back in my bed and waited amongst a text from him.
He texted me about 20 minutes later that he was in front of my house. I quietly made my way downstairs to the front door.

As I approached him I could tell he'd been crying. His eyes were blotchy and red. His eyes weren't for the same color. But maybe it was the darkness surrounding us. Kind of like the darkness that surrounds my mind at night.

He had been leaning back on my dad's car. I stood in front of him as he stared at the ground. He engulfed me in a hug.
I missed him. I missed his warmth, smell, the way he snuggled his face in my neck when he hugged me. I kept my arms at my side but when he began to pull away I wrapped my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest. He placed his head on top of mine and put his arms back around me.

I wanted to cry. My lip quivered and my eyes watered. But no tears came out. My heart ached. And it hurt. It really did. I missed his dirty comments, randomly touching my butt around his friends when they would check me out just to make them jealous. Even though he was the one jealous. Or how when he did that I jumped. I just missed him.

And now he's here, alone, no friends, just me. I didn't know what to do.

He sucked in his breath and short after kissed the top of my hair.

"How are you?" He said, still holding me, his chin resting on my head, me feeling the vibration against his chest when he spoke.

"Not well," I heard him take in a sharp breath. "I've been missing you."

He pulled away and spoke again,"Look at me." Still holding each other we locked eyes for just a millisecond.

He brought me in tighter and whispered, "Well I'm here now, don't worry, I won't leave again." He kissed my head once more and said "lets go."

We walked alongside each other quietly, in sync. Although it was cold, it was nice.
I wanted to say something but I could bring myself to think of any topics or to even use my own voice. 10 minutes have passed of us walking he said, "Are you hungry?" I nodded my head. "Have you been eating? You need to eat Jazz."

"I am." I lied. I couldn't bring myself to eat anymore. Not while my heart was empty. I always said, "If my heart is empty, so am I."

He grabbed my hand and said "well, let's go get slushies." I lightly laughed thinking Matt would be the only one to bring me out at 3:30 in the morning for a slushy, in December.

"No."

"Excuse me?" He said stopping abruptly.

"Let's go to your house?" I said still walking.

As he caught up he grabbed my hand and spoke one last time, "Whatever you want."

I noticed we were getting closer to his house, the only one drenched in Christmas lights, I wanted and needed my question answered.

"Matt?" I murmured.

"Mhm?"

"Did you mean it? That you missed me? Or is this all an act for sex?"

"Jazz, from the minute you walked out the door and I didn't go after you, I've regretted it and missed you. Everything. From your head to your toes. And Jazz, I don't know if you've noticed, but I love you."