thoughts; a diary

c.1 i don't like it here.

i don't want to be here.

i hate it here. i hate it with a passion.

a brain that does jackshit but fuck it all up.

an endless cycle. it never stops. wheres the off button?

the things that would once make you happy; that now do nothing.

the little things that could change your mood in a second, now just fit in like the rest. the feeling of just wanting to hide away from the world. putting on a fake smile for the world.

being fucking terrified of what will happen next, never making promises in case you can't fulfill them. being afraid to admit your hurt. being afraid to admit you're not ok. being afraid of every little thing. always on edge because you don't know what will happen.

not wanting to get help because you really don't understand what is going on in your brain, so how could anyone else. the constant want and urge to leave.

the constant want and urge to leave.

the constant want and urge to leave.

the constant want and urge to leave.

the constant want and urge to leave.

the constant want and urge to leave.

i really just want to die.

that's it in it's simplest form. i don't want to continue. just end it and leave it.

but then i'm scared. what actually happens when you die. can you acctually look over people and see what's happening. or is it just nothing?

but what the fuck is nothing?

it can't just be black, because that's still something.

will i be able to see what's happening on earth, and mess around with people and just see what's happening?

i want to be able to look over the people who mean most to me, make sure they are ok, make sure they are doing it. i want to be able to know what's going on.

that's my biggest fear; not knowing what happens when you die.

are you reunited with people you love? do you start a new life with more knowledge?

or is it nothing?

but again. what the fuck is nothing. what is it?

""Nothing", used as a pronoun subject, is the absence of a something or particular thing that one might expect or desire to be present or the inactivity of a thing or things that are usually or could be active."

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing

that is still something isn't it? "the absence of something"

but all in all. i hate it here and i don't want to be here.

bye x

j.l