A Quest To The Known

chapter one

Lyra

I felt everything. From the smell of her old books being unpacked to the homemade meal my father had attempted to cook. I always felt too many smells.

I had a strangely nice sense of smell so I could never be in closed spaces for too long. The concoction of smells became too much for me, so was usually found outside for a very long time.

Strangely, I had never felt more suffocated than now. Surrounded by cardboard boxes, labeled with black markers. Things were being moved around, my father's things, my things, to accommodate Denise's things. My father's new girlfriend, after sworn celibacy for more than 10 years, was moving in with us. I was never very fond of the idea or her.

She had encounters with me only twice. The first time was just the three of us, the conversation was based on the two of them and anytime they included me was to talk about school and how well I was doing (which wasn't true). And the second time was with all our family; the most unusual part was that they liked her, all of them. All but me. There was something about her that never sit well with me. She was too nice, so nice that she had to have a secret, always liked to hug everyone and my father seemed a fool around her.

"Morning, kid. I'll be home later than usual. Gotta complete two projects before tomorrow." I turned to look at him moving around the house, picking up the sandwich I had prepared for him from the table. He kissed my forehead once before continuing, "But Denise will be here to take care of you."

He never asked, these days, always told. Never asked me if I was comfortable with being alone with his girlfriend the whole day. Never asked if I was happy with the idea of someone moving in with us. I tried not to let it affect me. Not to let it get the best of me.

I changed the channel once again, barely moving from my spot on the couch. "I can take care of myself," I muttered, loud enough for him to hear.

"I know but it's always nice to have some company. I'm off now, love you." Those were his last words before he left me alone, as always.

When Denise arrived, the first thing I did was going to my room. And the first thing she did was ask me to leave my room and help her. I wanted to say no, but she meant something to my father and I was still trying too figure out what he saw in her.

She tried to hold a conversation while we unloaded her kitchen utensils, but everything she said reminded me that I never had a woman to talk to. Most of my classmates were a year younger than me (because I had to repeat 11th grade), so they always expected something of me. Perhaps, that's what made me, at the risk of sounding too harsh, hate her. It was like a sudden trigger. She was stealing, maybe unintentionally, a place I kept for my mother.

Mother. A word that was odd to me. I never knew how a mother behaved, or what she was supposed to do. All I've ever had was my father. But I won't deny my mind wandered to a place where I had someone like me, to show me the ropes, to help me become a woman... I never had that. Was it because I didn't deserve it?

My thoughts led me to a different place and I only woke to reality when I heard her saying: "...But I'm happy that you're getting used to.."

I interrupted her before she could say another word. "I'm not getting used to this. I'm never going to get used to you. I know you're just a phase," Despite the pitiful look on her face, I carried on. "As sure as the sun rising tomorrow, he'll understand he doesn't need a woman to be happy. Much less you."

She swallowed and pronounced her next words very carefully. "And you? What do you need?"

She dared ask me that. I needed a father who was there for me. Who had the time to sit and ask me what was wrong. A companion. Someone to hold my hand and lead me to places I'd never been. I needed someone to help me write college applications. Maybe I was being selfish, but thanks to her, I didn't have that anymore.

"Don't pretend you care about what I need. You always knew I didn't like you, and still, you stayed with him. You took him away from me." She takes a step backward. "You don't need to pretend anymore, he's not here. Tell me you hate me!"

It wasn't fair to me. Maybe when I was a child, I never needed much attention. But, comically, now I did. Now it's different. I was fresh out of high school. Late on college applications. Incapable of writing essays. I felt abandoned in a world in which I knew no one.

"I don't hate you, Lyra. I care about you." Although her tone was slow, her hands shook and her jaw clenched with every word. " You're like a daughter to me..."

I laughed bitterly "Well, you're not like a mother to me and you'll never be. You'll never have what it takes to be a mother."

I abandoned the conversation and dodged the boxes to my room, leaving Denise wide-eyed. I knew what I needed to do. I had been thinking about it for quite some time and now was the right moment to put it into action. Maybe I was overreacting but If I didn't do it now, then when would I? I would spend my whole life regretting the moment I had the chance and backed out.

I've got the chance. I'm not lacking courage. Why not now?

I packed a few of the things I had. Only the essential so that I would survive the trip. I broke my piggy bank, very literally. And then stopped. I needed to be rational.

All I had from her was an address. My father gave it to me when I turned 17. He told me that from that point on, it was my choice. I had the information and if I ever wanted to, I could go and look for her. At the time, I faced it as a challenge. I thought it wasn't even a real address and that he was just testing me. I never corroborated it, so to this day I have no idea if it is her address. I guess now I would find out.

I need someone to drive me. I racked my head with all of the possible people for the job. I didn't have a lot of friends or long-lasting ones for that matter. I used to be the kid who never stuck to the same crowd, I talked to everyone but never really had a friend. So none of my classmates would do. I needed someone else. I looked out my window, and instantaneously, I had just the perfect person.

My lips curled up in a smile and tears came to my eyes.

I'm finally going to look for my mother.

Q: Thoughts on Lyra so far? Do you like her? Do you not? Did she overreact?