Diary of a Pride Pioneer

The Discovery of My Sexuality Part 1

Story time!

I think the best way to start my pride journals is to talk about why this issue applies to me and how I came to discover my sexuality.

This story starts all the way back in 5th grade. I was home-schooled at the time but thankful my mom made sure I was part of many activities with kids my own age. Since she knows how much I love music, she signed me up for a music class at the public middle school. 

At this point in my life music started to ingrain itself into my heart. I began to discover all sorts of artist, artist that unfortunately my mom didn't approve of because she believed in only listening to christian music. Regardless I would often sneak upstairs to where the computer was and spend hours listening to various secular artists.

On one particular day I happened upon the song 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera. In the music video there is a scene where two men are kissing. Instantly my heart began to beat very fast and hard. 'Two boys kissing?' That wasn't even a thing...was it?

See my parents are very conservative Christians so I knew nothing about the LGBTQ+ community. After seeing that video I began to have questions but I knew that I couldn't go to my parents about these things so I kept it all to myself.

I enjoyed my music class very much and all the songs we got to sing. One day this girl in the class who sat next me began to shout, "Hey everyone, did you know that Dante is gay?" She continued to do this everyday...since I was so innocent and sheltered I never understood why she would think the class cared if he was happy all the time. Yes, I was THAT sheltered. 

Finally I got sick of her annoying shouting and all the questions in my head so I stood up and shouted back, "What does 'gay' even mean anyway?" She looked at me and calmly stated, "It's when you fall in love with someone of the same sex." Well, at least I finally had my answer, but it still didn't fully answer all my questions.

Then in 7th grade two influential things happened. First I developed my first ever crush on my best friend Jed. I had never felt the butterflies in my stomach around him before, or realized how good he smelled and how nice he looked, or wondered what it would be like to kiss him. Again there was NO way I was going to talk to my parents about this, so I kept it to myself. A few months later he moved away and that was that. 

Second happened at youth group at our church. It was fun and I didn't mind going. On one particular night as I sat in a group with other girls my age we were asked to share some things about our life. We all went around and it came to this one girl. She began to talk about how she felt so different and was getting bullied because she was bi. 'Bi?' Or bye? What was she talking about? I felt the same confusion as I did in 5th grade and after the small group conversation asked another girl what bi meant. She responded, "It's when you like both guys and girls."

Wow! It was like the door was opened and many more of my questions were answered. After feeling the way I did about Jed I knew I wasn't gay but I also knew that I was fascinated by the idea of guys loving guys or girls loving girls. I also knew that I found myself seeing girls in a way that most girls didn't see each other. Nothing huge, but I found some girls so pretty and attractive.

Two years go by and I enter public high school. Was I in for a surprise! High school was so different from homeschooling and it was a difficult year for me. First I had to make friends which wasn't my strongest suit. I was really shy and talking to others was a huge challenge for me. Thankfully a girl in my gym class, Krista, who had transferred from another school like me, started talking to me and helped me make some friends. Then, I started developing my second crush. 

You remember that kid Dante from my 5th grade music class? Well, turns out he wasn't gay, that girl just had a big mouth and loved to talk. I was really into him and even worked up the courage to tell him. Unfortunately he didn't like me back and that hurt. Krista, helped me through it and in getting to know her better I learned that she was gay, a lesbian. 

It was nice having her there and I opened up with her a lot. I told her that I was questioning my sexuality and scared. She gave me courage saying that it was good to explore who I was and whoever that was I should be proud of that.

As classes changed and I continued to meet new people I met a girl named Leann. She had moved to the United States from Holland and had a beautiful Dutch accent. The more I got to know her the more I realized how beautiful she really was. Then the butterflies started and the wishing for Spanish to come sooner so I could see her. Every time we got paired to be partners my heart skipped a beat. 

It was at this point in my life that I realized I indeed was different. I made a choice to accept that I was bisexual. Yes, I was scared and didn't tell anyone besides close friends like Krista, but I vowed to not let anyone put me down for who I was.

Well, there it is: Part one of me discovering my sexuality. Come back soon for part two of the story!