My Hell

I am bad with titles....

Hi I am 15 and I have been dealing with bipolar depression, anorexia, and trichotillomania. It all first started between 1st and 2nd grade I was being physically and mentally abused at school by my peers and by the fourth grade I was dubbed the "lezbo of the school" and my brothers friends even called me that and he never stopped them, he's three years older than me. I never had friends then and I still kinda don't, but during that time period was when my trichotillomania started, during school I liked to play with my hair and lots of people noticed it, so the did me a "favor" and when no one was looking they ripped tiny pieces out, and during that time I never had the father figure I needed not until recently, see my father was deployed a lot and was almost never home, my life turned to a living hell, at home and school, I had no safe haven for the tiniest of things my "mom" would hurt me, one time I missed the bus, the bus! My "mother" threw me against the wall and choked me, I had to wear turtlenecks until the bruises healed, in the middle of the frickken summer! After that my parents got divorced, my dad, well I didn't see him until a year later and my life had been slowly spiraling down, 'cause that's when my brother started rapping me, I never tried to tell my mom, I was afraid she would be mad at me and hurt me again, after all she was the first one to hurt me. I never told my dad that it was happening and I still never have. Before me, my "brother", and my "mother" moved to a different state we had a babysitter and my "mom" gave her permission to beat us if we did anything bad. Well, at first it was okay, then she started hitting us for every little thing me and my "brother" did, during that time she threw us across the room almost three times, and when her daughter wouldn't eat I told her she needed to get nice and strong. Her mother picked me up by my hair and threw me to the floor and proceeded to beat me, by the time my mom came to get us I had blood running down my face and yet again almost half my hair pulled out, and guess what to top it all off my "mother" beat me again and said it was my fault, see not long before that I talked to my "mother" and father, the night earlier they got in a huge fight when he got home and I only heard tidbits, I heard my "mother" yell "you should've gotten blown up{my father worked in the army}!" My dad didn't take to kindly to that so he started yelling and screaming and throwing stuff and not long after it quieted down and I heard a door slam, so I ran up to my room as quietly as I could, and I slept, like always, scared for my life. The next morning I woke up and found my "mother" was gone, she had left when I had heard the door slam, of course she came back, and being the ten year old I was I had a good long talk with them. That night my dad said he wanted a divorce, and my "mom" thought I caused it. My dad left the state and left me with them, not long my grandpa and uncle came to get us and help us pack to leave the state. After that things quieted down because we lived with my grandparents, about a three months later I started school and was getting chubbier{not fat 'cause I was still 11} I got made fun of it and I stopped eating certain meals, breakfast and lunch, I never ate during school and I would eat little at home. But, around the same time I was yet again dubbed "lezbo of the school" I started failing school because I didn't care I only wanted to impress my father, but then I knew he might have never been in my life again. Okay fast forward to the middle of sixth grade. There was two guys who made my life a living hell, my ex-boyfriend and a jerk face. My ex dated my for a week, a week I mean really?! He was a real douche he had dated my best friend then and broke her heart, she then moved leaving me all alone. The jerk made my life more of a living hell, he called me all sorts of profanities under the sun, he forced a kiss on me and left bruises on me. Yet again fast forward to the beginning of seventh grade the bullying had quieted, not much but some, see before school started I tried to commit suicide, my birthday had just past, I made friends, not many, but they were friends, or so I thought, my great grandmother died just after my birthday, we were close, closer than her children, and I lost it I stopped smiling and toward the end of the year my friends slowly and hesitantly stopped talk to me, we still sat together, but they didn't want to be my friends and they're actions spoke louder than anything, and a little voice spoke to me, saying "see no one truly loves you, everyone who loved you died, all except me." The voice told me what I needed to do and I almost took my life I was entered into the "psycho" hospital, they noted that I didn't eat much, that's when my dad came to visit me, I'll admit he scared me a little, I didn't recognize him at all the doctors told him what happened. They still didn't find out about my trich and I was glad I wanted to keep that to myself. Fast forward! Yippee I love fast forwarding, note the sarcasm.
Nothing happened in- well actually I tried committing suicide again, I found a best friend who was going through what I was and on top of that she was my cousin. During that year I started cutting myself, and towards the middle of the year my cousin gave me sleeping pills and I took them, I yet again almost died, but sadly I didn't, after that I never saw her again, now I'm in ninth grade and my cutting got worse my voice is still telling me it's right and since the voice has been with me through all this and was the only one to comfort me I trust the voice.