Do you ever feel like you've lost your passion? Everyone has a purpose - something that they dedicate their lives to, but you?
I've been described as a passionate person. I can't stop smiling when I'm talking about a memory from the past, or a book that I read that had me enthralled, but now it feels like I've lost that feeling. Almost as if I've lost what makes me happy. Of course, I get those moments of happiness, as most people do; someone compliments me, or I feel accomplished when I've baked something new but even then, those moments are fleeting.
We grow up surrounded by stereotypes, you're a boy or girl; you love ballet? You're a dancer so go be with the other dancers. Do you enjoy reading? Go to the library and be with your people. But as life goes on, I watch these stereotypes shatter. My best friend was a dancer, now she's becoming a teacher. But she still loves to dance. One is a hairdresser but is a country girl at heart, while her boyfriend is a warehouse worker that loves working on his car in his free time.
But where do I fit in?
I love to dress up, even if I'm staying home all day. I don't go to university anymore since it had become too much for me to handle, and I have more time on my hands than I know what to do with, yet I find it too hard to do basic tasks. My motivation, my passion, and my happiness isn't there anymore. I miss the feeling of driving somewhere and feeling like a kid in a candy store. I miss picking up a book and thinking "wow, I can't wait to hide away from the world for hours and fall in love with vampires, knights, or faeries".
So what do I do?
I watch TV shows and hide from my problems like a couch potato. I socialise with the few people I enjoy being around, and I absorb all the negativity from the world. And I hate it. I hate that I feel like crying when something doesn't feel right, or I'm uncomfortable, and then out of nowhere, I get angry.
I'm told it is because I have changed. I have gone through life experiences and those experiences and newfound knowledge have changed me. What if I never wanted to change? What if I wanted to be the girl that danced in her room to One Direction and Fall Out Boy? Or the girl who was so determined to be an author that she told off her career counsellor for even suggesting becoming anything else? What if I wanted to smile and mean it?
All of these things that I loved so much, I was passionate about. They didn't feel mundane, they felt extraordinary. They made me giddy, and it made me feel like I could take on the world. Now, it feels like the world is overwhelming. I do things because I have to. I reflect what I know people want to see, without showing too much. People say I'm an open book, but what happens when they're just reading what it says and not what it means?
How can I feel empty but still feel?
How can I love but not love myself?
How can I find what is lost?
When something is so hidden, how do I let it know that I want it to come home?
I want to look in the mirror and know what I want to do with my life. After all, I have one so why can't I find where I want to take it? I want to look in the mirror and think, "wow, I'm so proud of you". Progress is important, so why does it feel like mine is at a standstill? I have so many questions, I feel like I need someone to hold my hand through it all. But that isn't an option. Adulthood is scary, and jarring, and honestly quite terrifying. The one thing that has stood out to me most so far is that while people can guide you to a path, you never know if it is the one that you should be walking and that even though these helping hands can point out the way, you're the only one that can step forward and make your move.
As I write this to you, I sit in the comfort of my home, but in a mind that doesn't feel like mine anymore. I am sad, I am without a passion, and I am without love for myself and what I do. So I ask you, if you feel like this, please join me on my journey. I hope that this found you in a time that you needed it most and that you learn from my adventure that it is okay to make mistakes and to lose your way. I just hope that by the final chapter, you have a sense of self. I hope that my journey turns out okay. And I hope that you remember the words written on this page and every page after this.
It'll be okay, won't it?
Love always,
The Anxious Optimist.
