What's wrong with me, I feel special

DAY 1

Do you ever just feel empty. Like there's nothing that could make you feel excited at that moment. All of a sudden, everything you used to enjoy doing, becomes completely meaningless to you. This may sound very familiar to you. I don't think I'm necessarily depressed, but I also don't think I'm not. I end up just forcing myself to watch something on Netflix or Youtube and after a while, emptiness is just a memory. But after some time, as an attempt to solve my feeling of loneliness, that dies out too. Before I know it, I find myself staring out of the window, pretending as though I am in a k-drama, where out of nowhere a cute boy may as well walk past my house and then look up and see me desperately looking out the window, making him smile and call out for me. Anyways, I end up just enjoying the gentle wind on my cheeks and just smiling to myself like a pitiful mess that I am. Sometimes I worry that I pity myself way too much. It's not like I get mistreated at home, or anyone but I am to blame for how I am and feel, but don't you just wish that someone would come and solve all the issues for you. I know I should appreciate the people and things around me. I know I have friends and parents and a sibling. But I can't see myself actually feeling like myself around them all the time. There are so many things in my life that I have a problem with, but getting into the details of everything is irrelevant. I'm simply trying to tell you how I feel or am I just trying to find the right words to finalise my thoughts and emotions while writing this so the next time someone asks me how I feel, I actually know how I feel even if I will end up saying I'm good, regardless. I want someone where I can talk about everything with them without having a feeling of instant regret after telling them how I feel. I want them to do the same too. Many of you might read this and must think that I'm a weirdo. If you do then I'm envious of you because you already have that. For whatever reason, such a relationship has become foreign to me after my childhood friend. I was quite young back then and she was 2 years older. Obviously this means I was naive and looked up to her. At that time I didn't think about what kind of a relationship we had, I just knew no one could be closer than us, at least I realise it now that I look back. When I look back I feel like I took so many things for granted but not in the way you might think. I mean I should have been aware of how blessed I was to be able to have a such friendship as it didn't last that long. Turns out she was talking about me behind my back, and that was the end of it. Yes, I should have asked her about it but no one could ever understand how much I trusted her which is why it was completely random and unexpected to me. From that day on, from when I found out through a mutual friend of ours, who btw we both hated, our friendship started fading. Have I developed trust issues because of that incident or am I just a person who doesn't deserve to have a close friend? None of the friends I have now, seem to care to tell me anything that happens in their life. I don't wanna say I have suicidal thoughts because I love living. I really do(laughing). But sometimes I see my reflection on a window or water or the TV and just tell myself I wanna fucking die. Not in a sad and depressed manner, but like in an almost kind of embarrassing way, like ew who do you think you are to be walking around like that. Some days I hate myself a lot, some days I don't. If you ever catch me talking about self-love, just ask me who you kidding. Because who the fuck am I kidding.