The Other In Me

The Other in Me - Part 1

Lipstick, blusher, and lashings of mascara. Lipstick matches the nail varnish and toe nails just for good measure. Gloss, glitter, sparkle, I love. I love it all.

I love dancing too. Sitting here in my panties and bra, breathless from dancing.

'Breakout', the track of the moment. My moment, this moment. And in my opinion the best track ever. The eighties was the best decade for music by far.

My stereo is tiny. Nothing special, doesn't have a great bass. If I play it too loud, the music is distorted but it's my most prized possession. My second most prized possession is my 'Now - That's What I Call the 80's' CD, reminds me of my youth. I've played the track three times already in preparation for my big night out.

I'm beside myself with excitement and this track somehow boosts me. I feel alive, inspired, in charge. Tonight is the night.

Settled in front of my mirror, I sing along at the top of my voice. Mom always says I'm a great singer. Here comes the next track. I'm just going to let the CD run from here. Three more tracks and I'll have to pop over and swap the CD.

I glance at my watch, almost eight and I haven't even got dressed.

This slight gold plated link chain watch means the world to me. There are no numbers on the face and I can barely read the damn thing but it's precious to me all the same. It was my grandmother's. She didn't actually give it to me so to speak, but when she died and Mom was clearing her house, Mom said I could take anything I wanted. This watch was just one of the many items that I inherited. I've never actually worn it before, but it's special and wearing it now makes me feel special.

Looking at myself in my beautifully restored ornate cream dressing table mirror, I feel like a million dollars. I salvaged this dressing table from the recycling centre on Bradford road and smartened it up with three coats of clotted cream coloured paint. I can and often turn my hand to anything. Everything from restoring old furniture, too contouring, make-up that is.

Youtube is my very best friend, it's amazing and I've learned so much over the years. I've become an expert at applying liquid eye liner too. I adore the way the thin black line accentuates my eyes, makes them appear larger, more feminine and just like magic, I'm able to transform myself.

I embrace glamour. It's in total contrast to the grime and dirt of my day job and my real life. The stench of engine oil and petrol. The grease that takes forever to soak from my hands which had become hardened and swollen from years of cranking the spanner. But I discovered an amazing hand wash cream treatment which I apply every Friday evening and by Saturday morning my hands are so much softer and smell luxurious. It's part of my routine and a habit which I intend to keep. I so wanted change and little by little I've made lots of small changes. Now, sitting in front of my dressing table mirror, I hardly recognise myself.

I'm no longer afraid of change. My whole life I've wanted change and for the first time I've actually succeeded at something, the biggest thing. Making huge changes in my life. Changes for the better.

I can see the tiny crows feet around my eyes, the skin around my jawline is not as tight as it once was but I look fantastic all the same. I'm glowing with confidence. A confidence that has evaded me since I was a kid but it's always been there, simmering under the surface. It's resurfacing and I'm allowing it to bubble to the top, right where it should be. I've finally become the woman that I've always longed to be.

My name is Lori Andrews and this is me. In all my glory, with my beautiful flaws, my fierce imperfections, my elegant strength, my persistent ambition. I've finally found the greatest love of all.

I've realised how precious and fragile life really is and my battle to become the real me is a speck of dust in the grand scale of things but the least I can do.

My outfit for my big night out has been chosen very carefully over months and months of pondering, deciding and choosing. A not too short black leather dress with matching modern biker jacket, black fishnets and black patent stilettos.

I ordered the lot on line from eBay. It kind of reminds me of Tina Turner, one of my idols. Tina exudes confidence and strength with a little sass and she's as feminine as they come and sexy of course.

Every month I like to treat myself. A lipstick, lacy panties, stilettos, perfume. Just a little something every month, for the past nine years. It all adds up. My wardrobe is overflowing and I have to admit, I like it that way.

Tonight I am going to turn heads. Tonight everyone's eyes are going to be on me and I simply cannot wait to bask in all the attention. I am a bit nervous about how I'm going to cope the whole night in these four inch heels but I'll manage. Other women do, so why can't I?

I'm a loner, not many friends to speak of, more acquaintances and of course my work colleagues. Not that I socialise with any of them. We have nothing at all in common. I'm quite a private person and so live my life quite privately. I let people in on a need to basis. My neighbours are lovely though. They see me, I see them. We're aware of each others comings and goings. Polite chit chat, surface banter, you know, nothing too deep. The weather, the price of bread etcetera.

Tonight is all about getting out there, making friends and maybe, just maybe, a chance for a little romance. I'm not going to lie, I want to find my soul mate. I believe there is such a thing. It would be my dream come to true to have children but I'm a realist. I'm forty eight years old, so perhaps that ship has sailed. Happiness is my ultimate goal and I do believe whole heartedly that my match is out there somewhere and we will come together at some point. Some day. Hopefully near in the future. We could build a life together. Surely that's what happiness is all about? Finding that special someone and planning a future together?

I've had plenty of time to ponder, the meaning of life. My life. What it is I actually want from life and what life is prepared to offer someone like me. It's taken a long, long time to work it all out and I now have goals, they're crystal clear and defined. I want to live a little, have more of a social life, have fun. Let my hair down once in a while and if I can do all that with someone I love right by my side, then my life would be perfect.

These hot curlers are amazing. They make such easy work of curling and they leave your hair so glossy and shiny when you run a comb through.

A little spritz of Chanel Number five. I've had this bottle for years. Looking at the box you'd think it was brand new. I hardly ever use it. Not really had the occasion. It reminds me of my Mom.

'A lady should always use perfume liberally, nothing worse than smelling like the perfume counter at Rackhams'. She is a true believer of less is more.

Now let me see, how do I look? I'm still in two minds about this dress. It's not too short really but I'm not used to showing my legs off. I have to say though, my legs look great. They're my best asset. Toned but not too bulky at the calf.

I can feel my heart beating quickly in my chest. It's my nerves. I know there's nothing to be nervous about. This time next year, this'll be the norm, I'll be a pro. Meeting up with new friends, getting ready together. Laughing and chatting about blokes. This is just the first step in the right direction and it's taken me a damn long time so I'm not about to let my nerves get in the way of a good night out.

My hands are trembling, my right hand always trembles more. If I hold my clutch bag in my right hand that should steady it.

Last checks, cigarettes, lighter, fifty quid, lipstick. Gosh, where are my keys?

Ah, there they are, right where I left them. Right where I always leave them. In the front door.

Now I'm ready to face the world.

Deep breath.