Already gone

part one

At the metro station, she stood on the platform and everything appeared blurry since her eyes were an ocean of tears whose waves could not stop rolling. As the approaching metro rumbled, the clamouring of people became distorted and she went into a void. The metro left the tunnel on full speed and suddenly, she plunged in and it was the end of her. With a screech, the metro stopped immediately, dislodging the all straphangers. The railway was a pool of blood that bore the remains of Anne Walters and for once, she got people to notice her. The whole station was at a standstill until a wave of disarray and disorganisation thrust into them and caused them to scream into total confusion.
Mrs Walters was sitting in her deck chair as usual when she heard the doorbell rang. She drew the curtain, looked through the windowpane but was dazzled by the sun rays since she bad been sitting in the dark all day. She then opened the door and stood in the threshold with her eyes partly closed since she was squinting. Her dimmed vision soon identified the huge grey-bearded man that stood before her; it was the town sheriff.
“Is Ben in jail for intoxication again?" she questioned him.
But the sheriff didn’t say anything, for his facial expression was rather dire. Mrs Walters then tilted in confusion and asked the sheriff in. She reckoned that her husband had been in an accident, but when the sheriff gave her Anne's student ID card, and backpack, she soon fathomed out that her daughter had kicked the bucket.
“She jumped in front of a metro.” The sheriff blurted.
There was a long deep silence that detected the Respiration and heartbeat of Mrs. Walters.
“I phoned your husband and he’s on his way. I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Walters.” He sheriff tapped her on the shoulder and left.
She could not move; she felt paralyzed. A part of her wanted to cry but she was weary of crying, she was too hoarse, and she could not find her tears. Her heartbeat accelerated at each passing minute as she sat looking into the empty space. Her hands started to tremble. She went into a void and when memories of her daughter made its way through her head, alas, a fountain of tears came rolling down her sad-looking face. The pain she felt throughout her life didn’t surpass what she felt over the loss of her daughter.
“why? Anne why?” she wailed.
She heard the car door slam and it was Ben, her husband. He pushed the door open and his wife soon buried herself in his arms and broke down in tears, and for the first time in a long time, the hug was genuine and long.
“She was never a suicidal person". Her voice trembled as she spoke.
She pushed her husband back in realisation that she had just hugged the man she hated the most, took few paces back and forth and said, “we need to plan the funeral.”
“Betty, we can’t. The metro smashed her up.” He said in disgust.
“Maybe a memorial?”
*          *         *
she sat at the dining table across from her husband and the two parties ate in a cloud of silence he, Ben had been trying to break for a very long time but wallow in it instead, since he had nothing to say.  She passed her time counting every bristle on his head and when he looked back at her, all he could see was a lost wanly woman full of resentment. He left the table and swept off to work without bidding her goodbye.
The gloomy wall that bore witness to the Walters’ pains carried a picture of Anne. It was her sixteenth birthday and she had a very wide smile that covered her face. Betty stood looking at the picture and a wave of nostalgia swept her over.
“I have lost another child again.” She made a grimace as if she were in physical pain.
“it’s my fault, she continued, I tricked myself into believing that you were fine. I should’ve hugged you and said, “I know you aren’t fine" when you told me you were fine. I should’ve known you were drowning.” She started hyperventilating and soon wandered in hysteria.
She headed for Anne's room and rummaged through her things with the goal of finding a suicide note.
“Where is it?” she said rhetorically as she flung Anne's shoes across the room.
“Give me a sign, she said crying, “slam the door or touch me so that I can feel your warmth. Please, Anne.”
Upon entering the house, Ben heard faint noises coming from Anne's room. He stormed into the room and stood in the threshold looking at the trashed room and his wife who was still trashing it.
“what are you doing again?” he asked his wife who was not paying the slightest attention to him.
“Betty, stop! All this won’t bring Anne back. She’s gone!!
This time, he held her tight and wasn’t letting go.
“Leave me alone, Ben.” She said trying to release herself of him but he sure wasn’t letting go so she retaliated with a hug.
“Why would she kill herself?” She cried with a muffled voice since her head was buried in his shoulder.
“It’s okay, it’s okay”. He whispered in her ear.
He kissed her pale lips lightly, caressed her battered skin and as tears rolled from his eyes, she didn’t need him to say “I’m sorry” out loud because the expression on his visage said it all. In his arms, she fell asleep soundly until dawn’s beautiful sun rays shone in each corner of the room and woke her up. Than any other morning, this morning was different; the couple, for a very long time smiled at each other, they asked about each other’s night and so breakfast wasn’t as quiet as before. She walked him to the car on his way to work and he kissed her goodbye. She went up to Anne's room to tidy up when she saw Anne's laptop on her study desk. She opened the laptop and clicked on word document to see if Anne had written anything and there, she beheld  Anne's death note ; Hello, I’m Anne Walters and I know you have been wondering why I killed myself, or maybe not and maybe you think that dying sucks but so was living.
  
I felt empty.  There was something missing from me and I just didn’t know what. I felt like there was a world out there waiting for me but I was right where I was, under a dome and I wanted to do something about it, I wanted to be productive, I wanted to evolve, I wanted to be happy but I didn’t know how, I wanted to grow but the emptiness seemed so heavy that I couldn’t move. It weighed me down till even breathing seemed complicated. I felt like I didn’t belong where I was and maybe it was due to a certain sadness I felt. A sadness whose origin was unknown to me until my departure from this frigid world. I thought that all the bizarre feelings were caused by wanderlust and I wanted to travel distant parts of the world, I wanted to see new horizons but since I couldn’t trudge my way out of emptiness’ bowels, I just sat at my window and cry. At times, I wasn’t happy but nor was I sad, I was just EMPTY. I started having mixed emotions. I didn’t know how and what to feel since I felt all at once. My emotions were like a labyrinth; It was full of confusion and I was stuck in it. Not only did my emotions trapped me, I was also trapped by my thoughts. There were so many  thoughts running through my head and they stopped me from enjoying life's every fleeting moments and caused me to dwell in the past and future but almost never the present. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I soon fell into despair and the dreadful feeling of being an outcast overcame me.  As my emotions took me prisoner, I disappeared into its mist of slavery and slowly began to lose myself. I was drowning into a sea of depression and suffocation wasn’t the easiest, so I debated whether to fight for each breath or to let go.
I couldn’t talk to friends about how I felt because I was socially lonely. I wanted friends, I wanted to socialize but then I also wanted to be alone and no one cared anyway. My social loneliness was due to me wanting to be alone and my invisibility. No one noticed me, it was like I never existed. They never noticed my presence nor did they my absence. In my class, one desk was occupied by two persons, but I had a desk all to myself since I was without a friend. During group work, my fellow students were asked to choose partners with whom they would work with and after everyone had chosen their partner, I was the only leftover and had to work alone. I saw people walking in pairs and I was the only one walking alone since no one ever chose me. I sat in a corner in the refectory during recess and watched people be happy as I dwelled in emptiness. They usually passed me by without uttering a word and it felt like I was never there, and sometimes I just wanted to holler and let them know that I existed’
I talked but they didn’t listen, probably they couldn’t hear me, I don’t know.
Our class went on an excursion, and we went hiking in the woods. As we walked into the forest's depths, admiring nature, I tried to start a conversation but soon stopped when I realised that my classmates weren’t listening. As I stood and looked at them, they passed me by as if I was never walking along with them. I stood idly on autumn’s wet soil and watched a tree lose its beautiful foliage and I felt empty more than ever before. Tears formed in my eyes and a lump grew in my throat, but I managed to speak in a tone that was rather brittle as I compared myself to the tree; “this is me. This is me losing myself. This is me drifting away.”
I cracked jokes to get them to notice me, to let them know that I was there and that I existed but they still never listened, they still never saw me, they found my joke not funny, they still turned away when I tried to get their attention.
On my way home, I was hit by a lady in her early 40s. It was like she bumped into the breeze. She kept on walking and didn’t look back and from that moment, I declared myself invisible. From that moment, I realised that I was ALREADY GONE.