Augustine's Sanity

c h a p t e r. 6

"I think there's a secret part of me that would like to drop my entire life off a cliff and watch it break into a million pieces."
― Suzanne Morrison

chapter 6

Augustine wanted to kill himself.

Not in the joking, I'm a stuck up rich kid who didn't get the right color on my new car way, or the this class fucking sucks so I'm going to blow my brains out kind of way either.

It's more serious than that.

The I'm so fucked up and want my pain to end way, the I want to drown myself or take too many shots until I can't even scream kind of way, the I'm a dead person walking kind of way, the I live like a ghost so I should go out in silence like one too kind of way.

The I want a silent but quick death kind of way.

His emotions have always felt like drying cement in the middle of his lungs. They weighed him down, slowly killing him from the inside out. Making him unable to think-- and most days, unable to breathe too.

He just wanted to be normal, but he wasn't.

What he knew, however, was that crazy is his normal.

Crazy.

That word's going to be the end of him.

He didn't want his death to be a big deal or for it to be on the news as yet again another teenager killed themselves because they weren't loved enough by the people who did love them enough and they just didn't know it.

That's absolute bullshit if someone were to ask him.

People only pretend to love dead people because they feel guilty and it makes them feel better. If they actually cared they would have said something before it was too late. And because it's too late, they make a big fuss.

Everyone makes a big deal about kids dying-- especially the ones that kill themselves or other kids-- they always say that there were no signs but there are always signs.

People can tell, Augustine knew they can, a lot of them just chose to ignore the pain because it's easier.

Sometimes people kill themselves to be happy and not because they weren't loved enough. Okay, maybe that has something to do with it but that's not his case.

He's been loved before.

And he has best friends-- they're the only reason he hasn't ended it all. Bar needed him. Even Law needed him. He couldn't leave them behind, he couldn't leave them dead with guilt.

He feels... unlovable now but he doesn't want to kill himself because of it.

He's just tired of constantly being in pain.

Tired of losing the people he loves. Tired of having everything ripped away from him. Tired of pretending he's okay. Tired of being tired.

He's just tired.

Of everything but mostly himself.

Yeah, life is so fucking fantastic right now that he would willingly get run over by a herd of wild deer than being forced to look in the mirror.

The broken boy didn't get any sleep and this is the second all-nighter that he's had to pull. His house was always too warm. He thinks it is because his mother knows how cold she is and is trying to make up for her icy heart but Augustine knows better.

There's no fixing that kind of broken.

She doesn't care, not in the slightest. She just gets cold easily.