Dear Husband.

(6)

First dedication.
puppies_2

Austin:

I can not believe I just had a panic attack in front of someone, especially in front of Eleanor, who is a girl, like who the hell goes and have panic attack in front of girl? Specifically when she is probably going to be your wife? Where did my ego and self respect go? Why the hell would I do something like this?

Was she really going to be my wife?

Did I really have a panic attack in front of her?

Did she really become the first person to see me like this?

What did I make her feel, getting a panic attack in front of the girl just after knowing that she is going to be my wife?

When did I become this much of a shitty person?

She would be feeling so sad! I should go and explain myself maybe.

NO. I can not face her just after i became this cripple in front of her. I can't bring myself to look into her eyes, the eyes I know will be filled with curiosity and pity. I dont need pity.

The sound of heels pulled me out of my reverie, looking up I saw Eleanor was coming out of the lift and walking towards her car. Before our eyes could meet, I swiftly moved towards the driving seat of my car and drove out of the parking lot.

Did I just walk out on the same girl?

OH GOD! Im such a shitty person. She would be feeling like the panic attack was because of her, and now I didnt even wait for her to look me in the eye. She was probably thinking that I hate her so much that I had a panic attack only because my father was trying to put me in a marriage with her.

Thats not the reason.

Well, not entirely. Partly maybe, but its not at all because I hate Eleanor of something, because no, I dont hate her, well I dont love her, but there is no hatred from my side, I dont know from hers, maybe she hate me at the moment.

My panic attacks are not triggered by something, they actually build up. I keep the stuff in, I hardly ever talk to someone about my problems, and they just keep getting piled up, and eventually the walls start to tighten on me, and then its just a vicious cycle, the wall tighten, I feel like I can't breathe and then the problems start like a movie in front of my eyes and it aggravates everything.

Today, the thing which caused me to have a panic attack was the voice I could still distinctively hear, even after years.

"Isn't she pretty?" He used to ask me whenever he saw Eleanor, in the class or in the corridor, and I used to laugh it off, saying that he was just tired of his flavour of the month.

"No dude, Eleanor is not just someone, she is like, the girl I see myself falling in love with. I wish I could get the courage to go up to her and ask her to go out with me. She just seems so perfect, I don't feel like I deserve her." And I used to tell him that he deserves that world, but Eleanor seemed interested in her best friend, who personally I thought was a douche bag.

My panic attacks started when I was 15. I had just lost my best friend in a accident and I had locked myself up in my room, because I just didnt want to talk to anyone.

And cry infront of anyone.

Because men are not supposed to cry. Right?

Men are meant to be the stronger ones. Aren't they?

So yes. I locked myself up, after a drunk driver hit the car, in which my best friend was with his father, Aiden's side was the one which took most of the damage and he died before he could even transferred to the hosiptal. He was the only person I used to talk to. He was my best friend from the kindergarten and suddenly he was not there anymore. I didn't feel like talking to anyone and I hadn't since then. It's been years but I still can't find anyone I can open myself to, who will not judge me or anything, and maybe that is the reason that I poured myself into parties, that way i was never alone but i didn't have to talk to anyone.