Forever And Always

1.

Have you ever regretted something so much that you can't do anything, go anywhere, see anyone without being reminded of a series of decisions you made years ago?

My life is filled with intense regret.

Regret over the things my best friends and I did when we were five years younger than I am today. 

We were a group of naive 15 year olds,  desperate to fit in with the older kids so we might survive high school.

As an example, the seniors all had piercings sticking out of their faces. And, of course, in an attempt to be like them, we pierced our own noses using blunt safety pins and cheap nose rings we bought from the $1 store one late night. 

It resulted in some nasty infections, but we didn't care. 

We felt like we belonged somewhere for the first time in our lives.

We would stay out until the early hours of the morning, dancing around drunkenly with the burnouts from the years above us until the sun came up. We got absurdly drunk and obsessively smoked to the point where we didn't know anything except the bitter taste of cigarettes every night.

We were kids, caught up in the madness of older boys and desperately trying to be somebodies in a world full of nobodies. 

My best friend, Julia, never faltered in joining in with the seniors. She had multiple boyfriends, each one older than the last. 

Her and I were very different people. 

My other friends, Sarah, Janie and Charlie were somewhat like Julia. They wanted to fit in too, but they had their own ways of feeling accepted.

We would go to parties and Sarah and Janie would take random guys off into dark rooms or behind trees or bushes and give them what they wanted.

Charlie would disappear into the sea of people, dealing drugs she stole from her pothead brother. 

We were slowly accepted into the world of drugs and alcohol and late night parties on the beach with music that didn't make any sense to us, but we still listened to nonstop. 

We were a group of misfits who didn't really know what we were doing at the time, but whatever we were doing, it made us happy. 

It made us feel like we belonged somewhere.

That's one of the things I regret most.

I regret that we had to change ourselves so much just to feel an ounce of happiness for a few hours. 

We became distant from our families, there were so many fights over schoolwork and exams; endless conversations about life.

But we didn't listen to any of the words that were constantly being said to us.

We were so caught up in fitting in with everyone older than us, it consumed our every thought.

Our lives were filled with illegal highs, spinning rooms and running away from men in bright yellow jackets. 

That's also one of the things I regret greatly.

Our bodies would scream for sleep, for something other than the bitter taste of cigarettes and the constant ache in our throats, a result of the constant consumption of alcohol.

We pushed everything aside to feel that momentary adrenaline rush.

I regret every single decision I made during that time.

I regret being so fucking stupid.