I'm coming to Reddit today to share my story of the time I purchased a copy of what looked to be Crash Bandicoot for the PlayStation. I had never played it, so I thought this would be a good opportunity. I bought it from my grandma's aunt's brother's sister's cousin's half-sibling's son's friend's nephew's granddaughter. It was a garage sale, and the game was $20,000 for a somewhat sealed copy that already had the jewel case smashed. This was much cheaper than it was on eBay at the time. I didn't bother with emulation, because to be honest, I'm not great with technology, and set my mom's house on fire from looking up porn back in 2011. She kicked me out, and now here I am. I leech off my brother's pad, and we occasionally hang out when he gets home from work.
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That day, I came back home, and put in the disc. I was surprised to see it load up, because the aforementioned case had been smashed, and so had the disc. I wonder why this was, but it didn't bother me all that much. I heard a maniacal laugh when the title screen popped up, but it wasn't that of Crash or Cortex, more like a grown black man having sex with a refrigerator. Oh and Crash kept jumpscaring me, but I thought that was a glitch in the game's code, because of its age. He had bleeding red eyes, and a wide smile with gritty, bloody teeth. This also could've been a glitch in the game's code. However, I don't think it was a glitch that Crash would shout anti-Semitic remarks when he would die. Something along the lines of "You sign here Unervoonch." Don't quite remember what he meant, but my brother heard it and was concerned.
After playing for a while, satanic imagery started to appear, and the turtles in the game started to have Stars of David on their shells. Nothing too out of the ordinary. I got to the first boss, Papu Papu, and he was scared of Crash, and killed himself. I was confused, and then a jumpscare occurred. I then called the number on the back of the smashed jewel case for an answer to this problem. The support number was as follows: +1 (800) 666-6666. Someone picked up almost immediately and addressed me by my full name. "Hello Frederick Samuel Joshington... We've been expecting you." I wasn't phased by this at all, and just told them my issue, and they started to try to convince me to pick up my nearest knife, and stab myself. I hung up, and opened my Yelp app, and gave them a one-star review for bad customer service. I guarantee you, that guy is definitely getting fired.
I was fighting Ripper Roo, when I noticed that he was shouting Russian at me, and then a FMV of Nazi soldiers started to play, and when it was over, Ripper Roo's dead body was lying on one of the platforms, as Crash Bandicoot spit on his dead corpse, pissed on it, and cried a German battle cry. After this fight I also began to realize that my lives were not going down. They were stuck at 1488, and my Wumpa Fruits were locked at 666. It was also very hard. I'm definitely giving kudos to the developers for adding infinite lives. People really complain about this game being too hard and unforgiving, but I guess I got a newer update?
Oh yeah and all the water was blood.
My brother walked in to me fighting Koala Kong, and he was sucked into the game, and I saw Crash break his legs, then dislocate his shoulder, then shoot him in the head. Then he proceeded to have very gruesome sex with the dead body. Then he jumpscared me. I could just watch in awe at the graphics as my brother was being violated on my 20-inch CRT television. It looked so lifelike! I was surprised at the developers of this beautiful indie title.
The game sort of became monotonous after Koala Kong, but then there was Pinstripe. His name was changed to "American Dog," and I wasn't controlling Crash. He had developed a mind of his own, and grabbed Pinstripe, and saluted to the air, and shouted some German words, and sliced open his throat. Crash then looked me in the eye and his eyes started to twirl. He was speaking Latin, and the game became dark.
I unplugged my console, because it was broken, because it wouldn't turn off. I was getting bored of the game anyway. Seems like the weirdos who made this game were just in it for the shock value. Kind of disappointed at the story, wish there was more. So I decided it was time for bed at 5 PM. As I rolled over for sleep, I saw a furry marsupial staring right back at me. His eyes started to bleed, and he said "Let Satan into your heart." I then reached for my phone, unimpressed, and sighed as I dialed 911. The police soon came and arrested Crash Bandicoot, and gave him the electric chair for charges of being a shitty mascot for a shitty game that I didn't like.
Life was pretty normal after that, I just kinda threw the game away, as it wasn't worth my time anymore. Do yourself a favor, and don't play this game.
