Tomorrow I turn 16
Well to me April 19 has no significance
There is nothing for me to look forward too
Its just a day that reminds me that I've been here for soo long and this makes me wonder which bday would be my last.
I have no aspirations for the 16 yr old me no goals,no habits, no life in general
My life now feels like a flavorless bowl of soup and may be once in a while there would be a speck of salt
But I'm not depressed I'm just exhausted
I'm exhausted cause I have have spent 16 yr of my life trying to achieve something but I never have and if I'm being honest it doesn't look like I ever will
When I say I'm exhausted I don't mean in the way like I wanna die and give up I mean in a way where days mean nothing to me even my bday it means nothing it's just a day that will pass by without texts from my friends or candles that I blow out from a cake that won't exist or gifts of any sorts
Growing up I feel like I've only want these things because of movies like you'd see a happy family sing happy birthday for their Child or a group of friends that make a pact to bond for life but I never really understood it until I realized that days are flying by I dont remember that last time I hang out with my friends or that last bday present I got
And I didn't like that I hated the fact that I didn't have someone to call my bbf or someone who had a crush on me so I want to be all of those for my self ik it sounds weird but I did
I love baking so I would always bake, I love musical instruments so I got a violin, I love watching makeup tutorials so I would learn different techniques,i love dancing so I would learn different tutorials and I would even make up my own dances, I love sports so I joined every single team in my school
And im not gonna lie for a month or two I felt free I felt like my life was making sense and I had hope of future happiness
But the people around me hated that and hated what I did because they weren't satisfied with themselves and with that I wasn't allowed to bake because It was disgusting and a waste of ingredients, I wasn't allowed to play violin cause it was too loud, I wasn't allowed to wear makeup or learn how to wear makeup because I was too young, I wasn't allowed to dance because I'm too out of Shape to do it properly, I wasn't allowed to do sports because it wasn't for girls and when i used to play they would never show up to a Match because I didn't know how to play and I would embarrass them. Which hurt it hurt a lot to have to stop everything I'm doing because other people didn't like it or because it went against their principles
And I've spent 16yrs of my life like this and now I'm exhausted. thats that
It hurts so much that im living a life that's not mine but society's
So I'm done fighting all I can do now is watch
I can watch how the events in my life have no meaning to me
YOU ARE READING
what am i now?
RomanceEveryone says that teenagers are moody and full of attitude, well i can confirm that not all teenagers are like that. Read and find out
