"Kenna, I can't do this." Lola whimpers, shaking her head, wiping another round of tears from her cheeks. A shame she had been feeling ever since she had came to Kenna's rooms. Her shame and guilt burned her insides, she felt so sick and it was not because of the issue inside her. Her choices had ruined her. That morning, such a horrible, horrible mistake. The present Lola spat on her past self, asked her how she could be so foolish as to sleep with Francis of all people. The moment it was done, when she could no longer change what had happened, was when the guilt started. What had she done? Why would she do such a thing, a stupid, sickening thing, without thinking of every possible outcome first? What on earth would possess her to nip at the hand that fed her and kept her head upon her shoulders?
"What are you saying?" Kenna's voice is quiet now, gentle. Gone was the ecstatic, loud tone she had used for securing her place in the palace of French Court. Now, she was quiet, concerned for Lola, confused of why she wasn't experiencing the same joy Kenna herself had when there was a chance that she could secure herself like Diane had, for all those years. It was funny, it didn't seem like Kenna was concerned about Mary, about how Mary would feel about this. And it was Mary that kept their heads on their shoulders and their money in their purses. What would Mary say to not only Lola, but Kenna? Would they be sent home, shamed, disgraced? Lola, absolutely, but Kenna, she was unsure. Kenna seemed not to care, something Lola couldn't understand.
"There are people who help women who don't want babies." she starts, swallowing thickly, pushing her brown curls behind her ears. Her red gown is already tight, she feels so much shame. God only knew how Mary hadn't figured it out already. And, if she had, she was doing a damned good job at hiding it. Lola had a feeling Mary had worked it out when she and Francis returned from Paris the day before the wedding. The way she was looking at her, the way she was looking at them both. The distant way she spoke, it all spelt trouble for the young Lady. She couldn't have this baby, it would ruin her. It would ruin Mary's marriage, it would ruin her friendship with her, the only thing keeping her head upon her shoulders and her heart steadily beating. She couldn't risk it, not for anything. Damn sure not a child that she didn't want. "E-Everyone knows they exist." she continues quietly, looking down in shame that she had to even ask. "I... I just don't know any." she whispers, swallowing down the thickness in her throat and the nausea in her stomach. "Did you..." she trails, looking at the King of France's mistress. Surely, a woman like Kenna would know where an abortionist would be. "have you ever..." she trails off again, hating the fact she had to ask if Kenna had done such a sin as she now knew she had to do, her penance for her treason and betrayal.
"Ended a pregnancy?" Even Kenna seemed surprised that Lola was asking to blatantly, so openly. "No." she shakes her head, brown locks flying everywhere. "The king is well stocked to avoid such issues." she shudders, then. Lola cannot figure out why, nor what she's even talking about.
"Well stocked with...?" she asks, seemingly unaware that there were methods of preventing conception during sex. Kenna shakes her head, she -of all people- began appearing uncomfortable talking about sex and pistol pockets.
"Well, he covers... it..." she begins, stuttering out the words, but she cannot finish, choosing to snap back at Lola instead. "If you don't know, you shouldn't be having sex!" she cries out. Lola breaks off into sobs. "You sound like such a child, surprised that there are methods to prevent conception. Come on, Lola. Come on." she scoffs, still irritated by the wrong thing. Kenna sighs, then, relaxing her anger at the sight of Lola's tears and desperation. "All right." she whispers, getting up from her settee and walking over to a mantelpiece next to the bookshelf. She plucks a small gold vial from one of the shelves, walking back towards Lola, holding it out towards her. "Here." she says, Lola takes the small vial from her. "It's pennyroyal." the mistress reveals. "Henry gave it to me, in case the pistol pockets failed to work and I ended up pregnant. He told me to have tea sent to my rooms, pour it in. Then drink it whole. Soon-" she sighs. "the abdomen will contract and the child will slip from your womb. There'll be nothing you can do to reverse the effects once you drink it." Kenna grips Lola's wrists tightly. "Be wise, Lola-" It's a little late for that, Lola thinks. "after you take it, the child will die and all hope of a secure future in French Court will go up in smoke. And-and it will hurt. It will hurt, you might even get hurt doing this to yourself. All I ask is for you to think about what you're doing. And if you feel like doing this is the right thing, the thing you need to do, then I support you. But I'd hate for you to regret this decision down the line, all future you may have in France will be gone."
"Kenna, you don't understand. I-I've betrayed Mary before, remember, with Collen? You know how long it took Aylee to convince her to forgive me and allow me to stay here with you all. But this? Not just sleeping with Francis, the worst decision I've ever, ever made in my life. Getting pregnant with his child whilst she hasn't gotten pregnant yet. Getting pregnant with Francis' child full stop gives Mary grounds for my execution, my families' ruin! I-I cannot let it happen, Kenna. I can't. This is the only way." she decides, looking at the vial. "I'll take it this night, tell Mary that I've gotten my monthlies tomorrow morning if I cannot attend her."
And then, Lola leaves, the vial clenched tightly in her palm.
This must happen. This must happen. Not that long after, it did happen.
Lola cries no tears.
~~
Pennyroyal was a herb that women brewed tea out of to preform abortions, if people were confused by it. It's what was put in Elizabeth's tea in 3x10.
Spoiler for next one - Mary uses the tea.
