Angsty shit

fuck

Tw.
Mention of self harm, body dysmorphia/dysmorphia, abuse, depression, anxiety

.

   I sit in my room all day long, laying in bed and feeling the warmth of my blankets wrap around me. It feels nice, it's not like I'm getting this warmth anywhere else. I'll take what I can get. I can't help it, but it's so hard to get up and out of bed. I don't want to walk out of my room because I know what awaits me. But I get up anyway.

    My parents, sitting on the couch, look at me and my step dad talks shit to me. His words like knifes slashing at my already marked skin. I shut my emotions off at that point, closing off everything.

   I look at my mom and she softly smiles before telling me to "cheer up."
You're letting this man ruin your son. The son that you refuse to believe is your son because you let him brain wash you. What happened..?

  I walk to the bathroom, ignoring her words and close the door, locking it. I check if I locked it again because no one here knows how to knock.
I look in the mirror and see myself. I turn to the side and look at my chest. "Disgusting."

   I finish up in the bathroom and go to my sister's room. She's playing on the computer as always, typing frantically.
She's a nerd, but I love her.
I say something and wait for her response. I repeat myself, but hear nothing else. I sigh, getting annoyed and turn around, ready to leave before she asks me to repeat myself, so I do.
Again, she's ignoring me.
It's not her fault, she has adhd.

   I wouldn't have been so upset if this didn't happen with everyone I talk to. They act like they're listening but they aren't and I'm ignored.
I wouldnt have been so bothered if my parents didnt do it, if my teachers didnt do it, my 'friends'. But again, I shut my emotions off so I say nothing and walk out.

   Ignoring my parents, I brush past old pictures of me on the wall in the hall. I glance at one.
6th grade, long hair, makeup, dresses.
Who is that?

   I walk back to my room and flip the switch again. Ah yes, my emotions are back. I turn the light off and crawl back in bed, letting everything out, soaking my pillow.
I'm quiet though, if my mom catches me she'll get mad at me.
If my step dad sees me, he'll yell at me.
"Ungrateful"
"Everyone is sad, get the hell over it" "You're too young to be depressed"

   I look over and lift up my deodorant, seeing a sharp blade. I don't need to actually hide it, no one comes into my room so theres no point.
I reach for it, but something stops me.
Whatever, another day I guess.

Goodnight.