Finding Peace

2

4 years later

'No! No! Please ! Mom! Dad! 'I begged for mercy as the fire engulfed my parents. Amber flames fueled by every passing moment and drowned every thing .  The fire then developed a evil face which mocked me with its sly smile and then advanced towards me 'Noooo!'
I woke up with a jerk,sweating profusely and gasping for air.its just another night mare I reminded myself.starting the tasbeeh of Allahu akbar I tried to calm my eratic heart beat . It's been a month since I last had a nightmare but this is one of the worst I've had so far. Ugh!! When will this stop!

Regaining my composure i checked the time. As it's 2:30 I decided to get up for tahajjud. Nothing, no therapist was able to help and understand me the way my Rabb did. No one was able to calm me down , when I was a emotional wreck, the way my Rabb did. Prayer and specifically tahajjud has been so far my best gateway from my problems.

My wounds are still sore, even after all these years the tragic scene still alive in my memory , crystal clear.

After my parents passed away when our house caught fire I was taken under the custody of my grandmother. She loved me, looked after me, cared for me, even got me to see several therapists to get out of trauma of seeing my parents burn alive. I really love her and am truly grateful for being blessed with her.I've convinced nanna that I'm not depressed anymore and that the nightmares have stopped. When in reality they clearly haven't. Like every other time I refused to ponder further over my messed up life and got up to pray.

After done with wadu I put on my jilbab and started tahajjud.

Like usual I said the takbeer and ocean of tears streamed my face. Out of utter desperation and helplessness my heart called out to Allah asking for help, for what exactly I didn't know, but I knew my Rabb understood. Done reciting my salaam I laid on the prayer mat looking up in hope that the sadness in my eyes and the sorrow written over my face will somehow convince my Rabb to fix everything sooner. As my eyelids became heavy and life seemed to be drained out of me with a heavy heart I went into a slumber.

Waking up with fajr adhan on my phone I performed wadu, prayed and put on a loose sweat shirt and pants, pairing them up with skin colored hijab. I headed downstairs to see my nanna reciting the QuranMajeed .

'Assalamualikum my sunshine ',nanna beamed as I hugged her and gave her a kiss.

'Walikum Salam nanna ', I smiled back. An act I've mastered over the years. No matter what happens smile, the brightest one i could muster. If not for yourself then for nanna.
'Alright I'm out for a jog, I'll be back by sunrise '
Stepping out the warmth of our house, the cool morning breeze fanned my face. Plugging in my ear phones for another round of calming nasheeds I started jogging. Gradually picking up pace i ran, as fast as my feet could take me. Away from this world, to disconnect from the discomfort of my aching heart. It's always been this since the incident. Running helps, and this is coming from a person who's running skills were in minus before their life went down the drain. I ran past our neighborhood and off to the park at the end of the street.in hope that I'll be able to clear up my mind before starting my first day of my senior year today.Bismillah!