THE UNTOLD HORIZONS / ORIGINAL CONTENT

VI - SAYING GOODBYE.

i don't know what is about crying that makes people feel like it's something so freeing, connecting. i remember when i watched my family break down at my brother's funeral; this was funny to me because, they used my brother's senior photos for his service, and now they were sobbing while morbidly he was reflecting back a smile. but suddenly, i saw that arms were enveloping around ny parents as everyone kept weeping like it was the only thing left to do. was to keep crying until someone popped a vessel. i remember everyone looking at me like there was something wrong with me when they were the ones wailing and screaming. i don't think there is anything freeing about that. because to me, it looked like they were weighing each other down.

they never said anything, but i knew that it bothered my parents to see my face as it always was, as if this day was just any other day. i'm sure they wanted to ask what was wrong with me? but how do you ask that a funeral? sure i would just use the fact that everyone grieves differently, and that i just don't know how i feel. which wouldn't be a lie, people do grieve differently than others; my mother said she didn't cry when her grandmother died. so why was it weird if i didn't cry when josh died? it didn't make me a bad person, it just made my family think that i was. i don't know why i have to force myself to tears to be seen as a good daughter. but then again, maybe they think i need to force myself to tears to be a good sister.

i don't know why it surprised them so much, i never really was the expressive type, and until today, neither were they. everything about our feelings were, mainly danced around, and we all went with that. i've never seen them cry, usually it's just, distant stares and soft sighs. quietly distancing themselves from everyone. maybe those actions say more about them than i ever thought about. but it still wasn't crying, it wasn't wailing or bawling. it was quiet, unseen unless you were truly looking for it.