Blind Not Oblivious

Two

     After my “episode” in my bedroom, I was overwhelmed with emotions. These light and dark feelings were my new color wheel, so please let me paint you a picture.

       My canvas was black, different from the ordinary white ones. Fear was a bright red, intimidating and unavoidable as it took up most of the canvas. But in the spaces in between were soft yellows and greens. Curiosity and mystery, the brothers that always left you wanting to know more. Then sprinkled everywhere like glitter was a deep purple, shimmering and almost radiating. Chaos. Anxiety. For the first time in a long while, I wasn’t calm.

Where am I going? Was this the hospital? Why did everything feel so aggressive … and loud? What is happening to me? Am I dying? Body please get better. Why do I deserve this! If you are real, please end my suffering God! Or are you punishing me. I’m sorry. Forgive me God. I have done wrong but please restore my body. Please. I’m begging. Please don’t leave me here to die alone and confused. I'll never see my mom or Dad or Violet or Wes. All I will ever see is white.

All these thoughts crossed my mind at the same time. If that is even possible. But I later found out anything is possible.

I felt foreign hands lay me down on something cold. By this time I was far from calm. I was balistic. I fought. Struggled. Squirmed. Shook. I tried so hard to try to escape the pain and confusion. I choked myself trying to force my throat to scream. Nothing came out.

The cold, strange, unrecognizable hands tried holding me down. They were trying to trap me. Like an animal. I flailed in an attempt to escape. I felt my fist slam into something soft with a hard surface behind it. Flesh.

I then felt something penetrate my body. A needle punctured my skin. I tried to force words out one more time but failed as I felt my body start to go limp. My blind eyes slowly began to shut, my mind slowly slept. The drug forcefully calming me down. I just wanted answers. I just wanted to know.