dear felix westen.

out

** authors note **

im so sorry!! i didnt expect anyone to read this, i was doing some travelling & came back to like 30 reads wow ok without further ado!! 

for those of you who haven't watched Love, Victor: Lake is Felix's girlfriend, and Mia was Victor's before he was found kissing another man. 

As victor rose, the sun of a new day, he could feel the changes to be made rushing towards him like a train. For the first time since moving to Atlanta, he felt as if his footsteps could lead him anywhere; as if the entire world had opened up for him. Now that he had nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing holding him back from being his true self, all he had to do to find his place in the world was look. With an extra spring in his step and an extra twinkle in his smile, Victor headed towards the day filled with firsts. His first morning with his mother as openly gay. Getting dressed for the first time as openly gay. Having his first cup of coffee knowing that he was completely unstoppable and unchained. Stepping out of his house, completely out of his shell. 

Just like every morning, Felix was parked beneath the broad oak tree, the last few gleams of daybreak parting through the leaves. Everything felt high definition, a movie set. The air crisper, the light more saturated, the road much broader. Victor was dancing atop clouds as he strode towards the passenger seat of his best friend's rusty old pickup. Even the weathered paint seemed to cheer him on. 

"You find your sense of whimsy, Salazar?" Felix's smile nearly mirrored the grandeur of Victor's; seeing his friend this refreshed and calm washed love he never knew he could feel up to the shore of his chest. 

"Dad left. I don't even care. I feel so great, nothing could bring me down. Not even being awake this early." Victor sighed in joy, his smile an unmoving splendor. The permanence he felt in his newfound confidence was sure to overcome any obstacle. 

"You look so gre-..." Felix trailed off, his thoughts swirling with curiosity and confusion. 

"What was that? Hmm?" Victor turned towards Felix with his glimmering doe eyes, resting his face in his knuckles. Cocking his head, daring Felix to look at him instead of the road. 

"Ahem." Felix paused, contemplating. "I'll just pull over since you need my full attention so bad." 

Grinning, Victor shifted his gaze to Felix's limber hands as he rolled the truck into the grass. 

"Alright, what is it?" Victor's daydream gaze drifted back to reality as Felix turned to focus on him. 

"You were telling me how pretty I am." 

"Ah, right." Felix cleared his throat, preparing to imitate his serious tone. "You are simply the cutest in all of the land. It is no surprise that you are gay. The prettiest ones always are." He giggled, shaking his head. "Really though. It's nice seeing you this happy. Nervous, hidden you would never joke with me like this. It's awesome seeing you out of your shell." The half-smile beaming through Felix's words were enough to melt Victor's heart all over again. 

"Come here idiot. Now, I'm literally going to cry please hug me." Victor pulled Felix's arms towards his own, softly lacing their fingers. With his back to the window and his legs lazily flung in front of him, Victor tried his best to support the weight of his friend leaning over him, their noses mere inches apart. Heart racing through his shirt and breath rapidly rising, Victor stared at the scrawny boy closing in on him. Felix, heart racing twice as fast, silently stared back. 

"Um... We better get going, I don't want to be late for breakfast."

Felix nodded in agreement, leaning the two back into their seats; their hands lingering onto each other, savoring every gentle brush. Though the tension was enough to turn ordinary days awkward, nothing could stand in Victor's new fearless way. The two continued to steal glances at each other, giggling & picking the rest of the way to school. 

Finding Mia and Lake proved to be the easiest part of breakfast. The thought of talking, however, filled Victor with an ocean of anxiety. Approaching their usual table by the door, he could already feel himself begin to drown. 

"Come with me." Mia grabbed his wrist and directed him outside, her voice stern yet surprisingly kind. 

"Mia I am so sorry. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't even tell myself. I wanted to make myself like you. You are so wonderful to be around and I thought that was enough. Benji... it just kind of happened. I promise it was the only time. I just wanted you to have a stress free night for once, I didn't want to overburden you." She sighed, allowing Victor to finish his much needed apology. 

"Victor, I'm not mad at you. I can't be mad at you for trying to change yourself for me, or for figuring out who you are. I just wanted to tell you that. Now when we walk in there, we walk as friends. Okay?" She smiled softly at him, sadness casting a small shadow over her eyes. 

Victor sighed, his eyes welling. "Thank you. Thank you so much." 

The two returned to find Felix and Lake, affectionate as always; sharing their favorite, banana pancakes with old fashioned syrup. Felix smiled lovingly at her, fixing her a bite. "Isn't she just the prettiest?" 

It took three seconds for Victor to realize his impenetrable good mood wasn't quite so impenetrable. 

He stood up from the table, excusing himself to the bathroom. Kids from all over the school flashed him thumbs-ups and proud smiles, but nothing could stop the sinking feeling of jealousy sealing his fate like a stone to his ankle. He had plummeted to the bottom of his ocean, and he knew exactly why. 

Felix was swift to meet him in the bathroom, knowing the way Victor's face drops when he's upset better than anyone else. 

"Vic, what happened? Was it Mia? If she was rude to you..." 

"No. No Felix, it's not that. The weirdest thing just happened." Victor looked to Felix with pity and shame.

"Don't look at me like that. You know you can tell me absolutely anything." 

Hot tears already welling in his lashes, Victor pulled his face in; cowering from the truth. 

"I hated that you were all over her instead of me."