coming of age

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lately i've seen a lot of this "main character" kinda stuff. and it just makes me wanna be in a coming of age film.

but who do i have to be to be the star of the show? because at the moment i'm barely a side character. i exist in the background. and yeah maybe i will change myself to make others happy. i don't know if it's my need for attention or craving of adventure. but everything is so boring nowadays.

i've never really liked myself. i'm average looking with average intelligence. i'm funny once a week. but i have such a need to be important, to be relevant.

i have a fear of being forgotten by the people i love—but now that i think about it, i am the reason people leave. directly. i push them away first and then act surprised when they leave and forget about me. because who am i to people, really? i could be the girl you sit with at lunch sometimes or the girl who asks for a pencil every day in class. but no matter what, i find that i'm a background character.

lately i haven't really felt alive. i've just existed. i do the bare minimum to live. i have this mindset that this isn't gonna last much longer anyway, so what's the point of putting in work for a lost cause?

i am a lost cause. always have been, i guess. i take things personally, to heart. i still remember things my childhood bullies said to me. and i always remember every nice thing someone says to me.

but the ratio between good words and bad words is very crooked and corrupt; so many good things can be knocked down by one bad thing, one agrument, one breakdown. it makes me forget about the good things people think about me.

my dad talked to me about it once. i was doing a lot better at the time and i messed up. i didn't do a simple task. i forgot to put my shoes away. sounds dumb, right? not to my dad. it was enough for him to forget about the progress i had made, how i was actually getting up in the morning and taking care of myself. and if my dad doesn't even believe in me, how can i believe in myself?

i started off with a coming of age fantasy, but i think i reject it now. because, fuck that. things don't happen perfectly like in the movies. it's not bad event —> good thing —> suddenly happily ever after. it's not like that at all. it's more about tiny things along the way, like on a ruler with the centimeter markings, if that makes sense. there is so much more to my story, and your story, and the grocer's story and the teacher's story.

maybe the little things aren't enough to be included. but i think they're truly what breaks or makes someone.

until next time-

leah

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