Dare Me

Dare Me (Nesta's Journal)

All Characters belong to Sarah J Mass except the ones I made up (Emma, Hanna,Eden- I should probably change their names so they sound more Fey)

I member when Cass and I were friends. More than friends maybe. I remember when I could call him Cass,(in my head of course) without cringing. Without guilt, betrayal, and anguish silencing the desperation of my heart. Oh, my traitorous heart. Its been a while since I've smiled, since I've danced to the symphony in my chest. Since I've revisited his thunderous heartbeat against my ear right as we lay to die together. Aaahhh. The good times. I'm not sure I if want them back.

Wished we would've died in that blasted cauldron wished we'd at least have the good sense to die afterwords. Now, I can't seem to muster enough energy to get though a single hour. I'm not much productive these days, sleeping through everyday and trying get high off the good-life. Spoiler alert all future sad drunks, when you're and schmoozed out and done boozing, when you've hurled your guts up more that you can count, when your numb enough to see yourself and be disgusted, its too late to stop, it too far gone being "independent" enough to save yourself. Or it feels like that's the truth deep down I won't acknowledge. Maybe check in later to see if that's still true, like ya know, in the future, a month, three months from now?

So, yeah, I know I'm headed south. I'm a train wreck, speeding up, relishing every moment of my imminent destruction.  And I know that it was better when I just started, when I would keep my smudge of an apartment spotless, my body flawless, and my taste impeccable. I was confident in my doom then, reckless, angry, in control. Bring it on, yeah, show me what you got.  I wanted to taste death slowly, wanting to savor it. I was hopeless then, defiant, and in pain. Only thing that's changed is that I fell to far to fast, lost the glamor and glitter I held in front of my heart. I startewd to feel again. Too soon. Far before I was ready to face those emotions, was I ever ready to face those emotions, I fell in the deep end. And now I'm miserable, stale, broke, and powerless (I'm not ready to admit I'm "out of control" as Feyre claims).

And I know Cassian's not doing much better either. 

Why I am I telling you all this? Well, I'm not. I'm talking to myself, and I'm not going crazy. I'm just no longer willing to waste my immortal years living in this stellar compound of complex, mis understood, victim. I'm not done with my self-pity yet. I'm not out of desiring vengeance. I still know what I want. Who I want. I've got time. I'm not ready to change just yet, so fast, I'm not chasing, or pursing him. I need my space. I'm not Feyre, reading to dump her problems in with Rhysand's, each getting higher  off each other's pain. Its gross. They're just as messed up as the lot of us and I'm sick of their pretty lies, their their determination that they're living in a utopia. Gaaaaagggggg.

This is my story. This is my first entry Nesta. This is me getting my life together. This is me knowing that hard and fast dosen't cut it. This is me knowing the hard days. And they aren't behind me, and I refuse to forget them. Let me tell about me. Hold, up, let me tell you about how I've been the last few months. You know, the months were no one check in on me, the ones where I was a lone. The ones where suicide didn't cut it. Where I failed every single freaking day. (More on that later) So darling,........................ swee..... sweetheart. There I said it. What you wanted to hear. Love. 

Okay bye. Don't wanna deal with all this emotion, check in later. 

This is my first fanfic. Kinda off the top of my head, part Nesta rant. Please give me as much constructive criticism as possible. Still figuring out Nesta's voice. Please review!!!!! 

Okay. I know this makes Nesta sound very mature, and like she's journaling, and going through some therapy or whatever. I don't want Nesta to go to therapy (cause it doesn't exist in their world, though therapy looks different  in different cultures and doesn't work the same for anyone) but I don't want Cass to just "fix" her i.e I don't Cass to turn their relationship to Feysand. They are special, and I want them to be different.  I want Nesta to be powerful herself before Cass "discovers"/ helps her accept her power. And I want Cassian to get over himself a little before they get married / become mates/ accept the bond/ become permanent whatever. I want her more than I want him in this fanfic, but like seriously,  I know I'm a Cass die- hard fan. Smut is not going to ruin that relationship for me or speed it up too fast. This will remain a clean fic. Anyway, I will not miss out of giving y'all some angst. I think their relationship definitely has it, and deservedly so (not that the characters do, but it makes their story that much more satisfactory) but I will sprinkle in some other emotions too iA, like some fluff one shots. Really, I'm not sure what I'm doing writing a fanfic  that doesn't sound very much like where SJmaas left us in the book, so bear with me as I try to figure out where that Nesta went.Thank you.

Lot's of love to all those who came over to read this. Wishing I could invite you all for a cuppa tea and muffins with lots of sunshine and flowers. Keep your chin up,  have a great day, and please vote, comment, give prompts, whatever you like.Oh, and please let me know if you want a story with a little bit of plot or mostly oneshots. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX. Thank you so much!!!