𝓗𝓮𝓭𝓸𝓷𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓭𝔂𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓹𝓲𝓪

Hurt (Kim Seokjin)

Warnings include:
→ Emotional mess and underlying mental issues (?)
→ Supportive talk at ungodly hours.
→idk I was just sad and tired and it's not even finished but I didn't know what more to write and had to put at least something out.
→ Overly exaggerated versions of real events.

As usual, this is just fiction. Don't take this seriously, it's just for emotional purposes.

"I tried but.. I don't think so." His voice buzzed with static through the speaker. I could still hear the wavering. The tears.

"It's not your fault, Jin." I knew that my words wouldn't do much. Not now, that the damage was already done. Has been for seven years.

The boys also try. They tell him all sorts of uplifting things, try to remind him of just how far he's come. How far they've come together.

But of course. Here we were once again, trying to mend what was left of his self-esteem as he was assigned the least amount of lines, again. Put in the back during dance formations. Used only as an accessory during the video.

"I'm not a fucking vase. I don't want to be one." I could hear him hiccuping and sniffling. My younger self would have flinched, dumbstruck at an elder, Seokjin, using that language. But I've grown used to it, as I got to see more and more of his persona crumbling with the years.

Seven whole years that I've been working while observing the spectacle that was BTS. Watching them grow and flourish.

The shit they receive never changes.

Seokjin in particular was told that he was as untalented and useless as a pretty little vase in the background. Such comments were only reinforced by times like these, where he would call me in the asscrack of fucking dawn, telling me about how he was once again turned down when he asked for more lines. How even with the rest of the members volunteering their own for him because it would have totally fitted his voice, he would still get pushed aside.

It made my heart twist in all the ways. It really hurts, watching from the sidelines as someone you love is sad but not being able to help them. It had hurt just as much when the rest of the boys went through their own struggles, and all I could do was to try comforting them and feel absolutely useless.

"It seems like I never really was enough."

But I still get so frustrated about seokjin. Maybe it's because we both went to college together to get acting degrees, and I've known him longer.

Or maybe it's because I know that the others are healing while his issues are only wearing him down further, only getting worse as time passes.

"I feel left out." I wished I could relate. I wished I could in some way understand the type of pain that he was feeling but the nature of my job, my life, didn't make me get it.

Of course, I have felt the dread that came with being the last to be picked during sports, and being overshadowed by a more favorable sibling or relative, or being picked on by teachers. Those weren't foreign feelings to me.

But to be told that you don't deserve to be included, over and over again, by thousands- even millions of people, and have salt rubbed into your wounds repeatedly by your employer, that must hurt on a whole other level. What I felt might have squicked or left me with a few emotional scars, but this was a constant reopening of them, making the scarring pile and pile over itself, thinning the skin, and fucking it up beyond recognition a bit more every day.

Constantly feeling like you're as expendable as a piece of furniture.

Of course. An outsider might not see through the show he puts on. The whole comical act of over-confidence, blowing kisses, cracking jokes...