Who Is In Control?

Why?

"You'll be fine", they all told me.
Why was it so easy for them?

To disregard the roaring crowds, the movement, the people.

I just couldn't.

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Ever since I was a child, I knew I was different. Not special, not unique, but flawed.

"Mark is just nervous", they'd lie. Maybe they were in such denial they couldn't see. sadly I couldn't for them.

Every outing was a struggle. My room was my haven, why can't I stay? Why can't you understand my dilemma?

When the thinking starts, the logic declines. What? Why? How? When? What if? All flying through my head faster than I can process.

By then, my heart is beating harder, and faster, it roars in my ears, which are gaining heat by the minute.

I want to hide, but there is no escape. You have to function, but how?

I try to calm my raging thoughts, but it's nearly impossible. They have become dependent only on my imagination, which never ceases to design.

It creates scenario after scenario of disaster. But why? What have I done to deserve this?

Today may be the end of me.

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