Nightmare.Series: How do you sleep at night?

1st Nightmare

[ I had to do it... ]

"I had to do it"

"There was no other way"

"There was no one there to help"

"I had to do it"

---

Family.. The sound of it would always make me sad. Seeing families with such happy radiances and joyful atmospheres would always make me wonder-- how do they do that? How can they possibly be so happy? How can a family be so complete and incompetent?

I've lived my life learning that a family is called a family for a reason. It is called a family for which it consist of a happy mother, a happy father and a happy children. Ahh, Yes-- happiness is a major part of it. Without it, can it be called a family? I still wonder that even until now. If one member of the family isn't an aspect of the happiness them it is not a family. It's just another lost group of despair. A waste.

And I've been living with that waste for a very long time now. Maybe those who have the aspect of a true family were just truly lucky to be blessed by such. And I, on the other hand was born on the other side of the road. I have a family-- no, I don't. I'm in a group of greedy and self-centered people. Obsessed with entitlement and hungry for money. I grew up with conflicted childhood and complicated emotions, but it also made me an open-minded person-- I guess. I've learned to live in a very pessimistic manner. If I'm wrong then I'm wrong. If it's impossible, then it's impossible. I've stopped expecting too much gracious incomings and just focused on what's supposedly possible.

I have lived with a group of people that does not understand the aspect of feelings. What matters most is living with great reputation. I have this what you call, a mother, a sibling and a father-- if it were a family. I call the mother 'mama' and as I call the father 'papa'. I also have the sibling which I call 'big sister'. These are the people that I am grouped with. We are tasked to live in a way that a 'broken family' should have.

The big sister left the group and found another place to shelter. She forgot about us and stopped contacting us. 'I'm tired' is what she said when she left. It was something that should hurt-- if this was a family. But I didn't feel anything, why would I? Should I? She left and that's the big sister's decision. I couldn't care less, but the mother cried. She was shedding this liquid salty water out of her eye socket. I guess it was normal for this kind of group to perform an act like that since she is the mother. How about me? What am I suppose to do?

One night, I was inside my room scrolling through my phone. It was raining heavily outside our shelter. This is probably what a family should love but a group like ours should hate this. It should ruin the atmosphere. So, I hated it. I hated the sound of it. I feel conflicted. I should feel sad, so I did. Yes, this is what I should do.

As I was staring blankly at the ceiling. Loud noises and thuds were heard downstairs. The mother and the father are playing again. I watched the time and it was almost 2pm. This always happen, must be because this is what a broken family should do. I heard the mother crying and the father yelling out curses. I let out a sigh and decided to get out of bed. I was curious. What kind of act are they playing right now? I never really had the chance to watch since the mother would always tell me to stay inside the room. But now, it's different. What am I? What is my purpose?

I slowly took small steps downstairs. The noises were getting closer and closer. As I took a peek, I saw glasses shattered everywhere and knives out of their shelves. I was curious. I continued going down.

And there I saw the mother on the ground with bloody arms but still breathing. She was crying when she saw me, "go back"

Why is she on the ground? Is this a new rule for a group like us? Am I suppose to join in too? She was in a state of what you call 'needs help'. As the child of this group, I felt pity for her. I felt hurt and sad. Why?

The father was standing near the door. Locking it. He was holding a knife with blood. Must be the object he used to attack the mother. I took small steps towards mother and leaned down to speak to her, "what should I do?"

She was coughing blood and was unable to speak. I was confused. What am I suppose do?

He spoke, "Arthur"

It was the father. He was walking slowly towards me and my mother. His eyes were red. He was full of rage. Is this his role? The abusive father? Ahh yes. I have been living with an abusive father, a sympathetic mother and a selfish sister.

But what am I? Who am I?

"Nobody else will help you, Arthur" the father whispered near me as he grabbed a hold of my hair and threw me to the side. I felt pain but am I suppose to cry? ask for help? Do I have to act that it hurts? What am I suppose to do?

He was laughing. He looking down on me. I didn't like it. I was not feeling it. Feelings? What is that? I don't understand.

"Never do something that would destroy you" but that would only apply to those who are blessed.

But it seems like that's the only way to live. And that's the only way for a person like me to live. This is who and what I'm suppose to be. I have to do it. There's no one here to stop it but me. I'm alone by this. A member like me in a group like this have no one to rely on.

I have to...

I killed him. I killed the father. I destroyed myself by destroying what destroyed us. Now I who I am. Now I understand what I'm suppose to be in this life.

Just another nightmare.