So I have thought about writing this chapter for the past few weeks, I haven't really gotten around to it I'm kind of busy with stuff. My life is kind of confusing right now.
It started around 3 weeks ago when I started to doubt my relationship with someone. Around a week later I told them I didn't like them anymore and I know I hurt him and I couldn't live with myself because I knew I someone I really cared about. And I tried to apologize for it but I don't think he'll ever accept my apology. That night I started cutting again just at night though. Funny thing is after that I woke up the next morning feeling amazing and I really didn't like the fact that I felt amazing because I knew I hurt someone I knew they were hurting and I was not hurting and I felt like I should because they were and I really care about the person. But I decided to let him deal with it, I had done enough.... So decided to not let this bring me down and I took a look at my life and decided I need to make some changes.
I am 14 years old and I am almost 200 lb and it's kind of depressing because all my friends are like in their early 100 lb so I decided to go on a diet and workout routine I quit those because we going on vacation but for the time being I was on them. I started getting more sleep and taking care of myself a little more I got myself into a skin care routine, and a morning routine just to help me feel better about myself and I did for about a week, and I was not depressed....it felt good.
Then we went on vacation and I hurt my foot. And my my toe is crooked and my father said I was being dramatic and he kind of rolled his eyes and Shrugged it off and walked away and I went to my room and cried like a baby and I heard a voice that I don't think it was mine I don't feel like it was mine it was definitely in my head though is was more like a thought that was planted in my brain, it said that not even my parents care why am I still here and after that, the thought started happening more rapidly I would be having just a normal day and then why am I still here? does anyone really understand? does anyone care? I should have just done it months ago.
I don't think I ever said anything about this but in November my best friend ran away and it was because one of her other friends had told her parents that she was talking to a boy over the phone and I've known this boy for literally all my life he was my first kiss and so like I know he's trustable but anyway she got grounded and I blew up at that friend and I told her that me and the girl that ran away had actually made a promise and that promise was as long as she didn't run way then I wouldn't commit suicide and the friend asked me why are you still here?
I don't know to be honest right now. I don't know. I feel like my life is crashing down. I feel alone, most of my Wattpad friends are turning against me because I said I don't support the LGBT community and I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't know why I'm posting this but I just thought I should let you guys know what's been going on why I've been so weird switching accounts and stuff.
I really only did that because when me and my sister got into a fight and I brought it to social media one my close Wattpad friends said that I looked pathetic and I got mad at her because she said that, and then I kind of shrugged it off then a few weeks ago I was reading a book and I saw her and one of my other close friends on Wattpad talkin about me behind my back and saying that I was pushing my religion on her. I confronted her about this and I was a little mad because she also had reported one of my book chapters because I had posted about aborted children and how it is wrong. And I was mad and I can see how I was rude but I don't apologize and she didn't either so I see no need for me to. So immediately after I confronted her. She told me to just not be friends anymore and it hurt cuz I knew that because she was ashamed that she did it she didn't want to talk to me about it.
Anyway I should probably stop rambling and y'all probably don't want to hear this anyway. though only one of you that I know of, is going to read this. I feel like I've lost a part of me when everyone turned against me it comes to show that they weren't really friends in the first place that one wrong move that I made and they all hate me now just because I don't support some community.
I don't know what the days are going to bring. Everyday I feel like more people hate me and I guess it's okay because the Bible says that Christians are going to be persecuted I just didn't think that my friends would turn against me that easily I don't know how much I'm going to be able to be on but I'm going to try put more chapters out there. I think I'm going to start a book about my past here cuz it's been one heck of a year.
Anyway I'll let you all get back to more important things
I'll talk to you later
bye
