Not Alone

A/N: Hey guys! Happy 4th of July to those who celebrate! In celebration of the holiday (aka, the perfect excuse for me to post this), I give you angst! Trigger Warning: This one-shot consists of a fairly detailed depiction of a panic attack. If reading this will cause you distress, please don't read. I hope you enjoy and have a good weekend!

Wei Wuxian couldn't breathe. He could if he tried; if he physically forced himself to suck in a breath and let it out again, slowly. But his chest had hardened into a knot so tight it felt as if he would never take another breath - until he did. The logical half of his brain, the half that had faced off against Lan Qiren all those years ago, tells him he can breathe, that he is fine, that he is not dying, not again. But the logical half of his brain never wins - not at first, and not for a long time.

His eyes are closed, fingers gripping forearms as he rocks back and forth on his bed in the darkness. The darkness only makes it worse; throws him back until he is suddenly surrounded once again by resentful energy, the screams of the tormented taking out their agony on his mind. After all these years, however, the screaming has changed. Jiang Cheng, yelling his name in anger; Wen Qing, screaming her brother's name at the edge of a mass grave, her words muffled by the pouring rain; Jiang Yanli, calling desperately for her little brother in the midst of a battle; Lan Zhan, crying out as their fingers slip apart. There are more, of course, but those are the most prominent, the ones that he can't force away.

He's shaking, he thinks. Shudders are wracking his whole body, into the very depths of his chest, stopping the breaths that try to escape. He's not even sure when it began; he'd fallen asleep, hadn't he? Yes, he was almost positive that he had. Lan Zhan had fallen asleep hours ago, his internal clock pulling him into sleep despite how hard he tried to fight it nowadays. And so Wei Wuxian had lain beside him in the dark, listening to the other's breaths and trying to match them, a familiar song playing faintly inside his head until he slipped away into the world of hopefully blissful darkness.

But suddenly, he'd been disturbed from sleep, not quite sure what had woken him until he felt the rapid beat of his heart as a chill spread through his limbs. And then here he was. In the dark. Alone. Again.

No. Not alone.

He startled as a hand suddenly rested against his back, but it wasn't out of fear. No, fear wasn't what caused someone to turn and wrap their arms around the person who had touched them. It wasn't the cause of burying one's face into another's shoulder, shaking his head wordlessly as tears finally began to pour, sobs shaking his body as his fingers dug into the fabric of Lan Zhan's clothes.

For a long moment, he stayed there, sucking in deep breaths as Lan Zhan's arms wrapped around him gently, allowing the sense of security that Wei Wuxian needed while keeping the reminder that he could pull away if he wished. Neither of them spoke, the only sound the gentle noises of the wind and animals outside gently washing away the screams until there was only this place and the soft, calm breaths of his soulmate.

His body wanted to move, wanted to get up and run, to where he didn't even care. But he didn't let it. No, he just curled his fingers tighter against Lan Zhan's back, shifting his face so that he could still breathe in the fresh air rather than muffle his already too quick breaths against the other man's shoulder.

Eventually, the panicked thoughts began to lose their intensity. His body still shook with a wracking shudder at random, his breaths hitched a little too often, he still clung a bit too tightly. But he was able to lay back down, Lan Zhan's arms still wrapped around him, holding him where he could hear the calm beating of his best friend's heart.

When finally he spoke into the darkness, his words consisted of a single plea: Please don't leave me. I don't want to die again.

Lan Zhan's only reply was a quiet stream of words, sung to a tune that filled and supported both of them more strongly than any golden core possibly could.

As the song's chorus rose a second time, Wei Wuxian's breaths finally evened out, his grip on Lan Zhan lessening just enough to signify that he had drifted back to sleep, a small smile now gracing the corners of his lips.