Past is gone

Embracing the past and moving on

"Last night I woke up panting and out of breath, I had one of those nightmares where you have to force yourself to wake up because it all feels so real. 'My dreams' or any dreams in general have a way to show you a weirdly shot movie of your deepest desires, stuff you have long forgotten about and your darkest fears which lurk in your subconscious land. You see, the thoughts which we give access to, reside in our minds and ultimately make their way to the subconscious, they cover the way so fast and start redefining you." Steve stopped typing, it was past midnight and the antidepressants hadn't kicked in yet. He went to the kitchen and took a bite of the pie which he had ordered back at 7. The window of the living room was open and the fresh Miami breeze was making the drapes dance. Steve went out to the balcony; the beach was in front of him. He could hear the soft ocean noises even from afar.

He went back to his office which was attached to his apartment and began typing again. "The balcony, the breeze, the ocean, it all still remains, but she isn't here anymore. Last night I had a dream, she was alive. We were on the balcony admiring the beach out front. The dream, you see is a weird movie. One moment we were sitting under the stars, the next, I was giving the eulogy at her funeral. The thought that 'we had a whole life together' got so embedded in my subconscious, that it's been 5 years and the nightmares still haunt me." Steve wrote the last sentence and drifted off to sleep.

The next day it was Ellie's death anniversary .Her favorite lily flowers had been arranged and Steve had even ordered their favorite spaghetti and hotdog. He was all set to visit her at the cemetery. As he was walked by the headstones of the deceased, he felt the Miami breeze again, it was a cloudy day. Ellie's headstone was beneath an old tree. Steve cleared the dead leaves and sat down close to the headstone. As he read the epitaph, "In loving memory of Ellie Grace, a loving daughter and wife. Always in our thoughts, forever in our hearts", something hit different this time. All 5 years he had thought of Ellie's demise as the biggest tragedy of his life. The past which belonged to the memories of Ellie were dominated by the ones where he lost her, the love of his life. He had forgotten about the love they shared for 10 years. He realized that the past is gone, no matter how much he held on to it, the truth won't change. Ellie may have ceased to exist but their love never did. Steve placed the lilies on the headstone and whispered in eyes welled up with tears, "Always in my thoughts and forever in my heart, you aren't a ghost Ellie, you were, you are and will still remain the love of my life."

-ANUKRITI SINGH