Listen to Me

ka nānā ʻole

They sit together in the dark. Together but both alone in their minds thinking the other doesn't love them like they wish they would. Jean and Ali have been on so many adventures, good, bad, and some chaotic ones. They wondered why did this one moment seem like the biggest adventure for them both. It was in away. Communication is not their forte. They both get so caught up in their minds and fears that they forget to express it to each other. Jean hasn't always been the most self-loving person. She can be mean, or nice but, for now, we can label her as an impulsive, hot-headed, over-emotional girl. Ali is a sweet, caring boy, but he has his inner conflicts. He as well isn't the most self-loving person, but he puts that care into others even though he's still at war inside and trying to figure it all out. For now, we can know him as the swift-minded, sweet, worried, boy that Jean loves (even if he doesn't believe her). Don't be fooled this story is about Jean and her pov at times but for you to understand her feelings and thought process through it all you must understand what she knows about him. Now let's progress to the most recent moments in jean's mind.

Jean's POV

It feels like the days are counting down so fast. Soon he'll be gone for months and ill be alone with my thoughts. Maybe i'll just focus on school and try lose weight.

I feel like things are a bit off. I got up one night and i was going to creep up on him playing the game but he was talking into his phone. He said just because i type like that doesn't mean i'm mad at you. I thought maybe him and his friends were just talking to each other about what to say to a girl. then i heard the word babe. That hurt like a bitch but i couldn't make any assumptions because maybe he was just telling them how to type it out. I stood there behind the wall as quiet as i could ever be. waiting for another word about it but all i heard was the game. I wanted to walked back the floor creaked and i thought for sure he heard that and i froze again. Still confused i made my way back to the room as quiet as i could. I laid there as my mind raced and raced. I thought about all the times that things seemed off. As an over thinker my mind jumped to the thought that maybe he was with another girl on the low. As these thoughts filled my head with fake images and conversations i felt the burning sensation in the back of my throat as the tears started to cloud my vision. I had to be quiet, I couldn't understand why. All I knew was that I was scared to look stupid, to be abandoned, to know that i was a failure at something i wanted so bad to last. I wiped the tears, went to the bathroom then back to bed. Why be awake in pain when i could sleep but  even my dreams felt the need to taunt me with images of him leaving me for some mystery girl. I tried to let it all go. I didn't want to cause any conflict and give him a reason to leave if that was never his intention. So i pushed it down. So far down that I almost forgot about it, but every time he put his phone face down or waited till i was asleep to use his phone it came back up killed me inside even more because he never really made sure i was asleep so i would just lay there. I just wanted him to be honest with me, but for the sake happiness and not being toxic or annoying i left it alone.

Now some may say why didn't jean say something. Why would she just try to act like it wasn't bothering her. It is more toxic to not talk about it. But we understand that it was her choice to leave it alone for the sake of being happy with him and getting to be around him. Her chance to play the long game and see the result as her being someone special in his future. Let's fast-forward two weeks. One week before he goes off to the military. 

Jean's POV

I love you. He just stares at me. You say that at the most random times he says. I know i'm just saying it, i'm not looking for a response most times. I just want you to know that. All I want id for him to know how much i love him but i always fail to express it properly. I want to work my hardest to make something so amazing for him as a see you later gift. He wants me to edit his pics so that they have a blur but focus on some tiny circles as they rise. I don't mind. I wonder if he has more pictures on his phone. I can just send them to myself and edit them and surprise him. I don't know his password though. I don't think he would ever tell me anyway. This is a problem, I don't want to ask him to use his phone cause he'll know I got the anime photos from. I guess I won't be able to surprise him. Later that evening he left his phone unlocked. He was watching funny videos when I came back in the room but he was a asleep and his phone was unlocked. I took it and he twisted a bit but he stayed asleep. I wanted to be quick so i went straight to pictures. I found them but as i was about  send them a snapchat notification comes through. LD blue heart white heart sent you chat....My heart dropped but i tried to stay positive. I swiped up to ignore the notification but it came in again and I pressed it. There it was. A snap chat full of girls. Flirting, nudes, I love yous, I want you to be in my future, I want to put a baby in you, Lets make a baby, Want to go to the movies, and snap stories custom made for each one where he could post them and show them off. He never showed me off, He would never joke with me when i said i wanted to have his kid, he hadn't told me he loved me or wanted me in his future in so long. I died. In that instant i died. My heart hurt then went numb as i read each conversation. I couldn't take it anymore. Then i saw the single private story. They were all on it. They all had so many pictures of him that i never saw because they were snapchat filter pictures. So many nudes and voice notes. When I finally found the voice note that i heard that night i closed out snapchat, locked his phone back and sat on the edge of the bed. This was my last week with him and now I know all these painful things. I was so sad, so angry. Not at him but at myself. Mad at myself for thinking he wasn't like others, and at myself for even letting myself believe that a boy as amazing as him could love me and only me, Mad at myself for ever believe that a tomboy like me stood a chance against these girls. I wanted to talk about what i had seen but i wanted his last week to be fun, special and stress free so i pushed my feelings deep deep down again. I wanted to get it all off my chest but who would i even talk to. I kept it all to myself and did my best to make him happy. I no longer wanted to touch his phone or talk when he was on the game in a party because i assumed his friends knew all about these girls and wanted him to be with them because i assumed his best friend he hates me. So i didn't want to ruin their view of him. We make it through the week happy. He's excited to leave and i'm still hurting but now even worse because i won't get to be with him for 6 months. I just stayed quiet.The day he left  I got a long hug, an i love you and a I'll see you when i get back and as happy as that made me in the moment , All i could think of was what kind of paragraph and heartfelt paragraph these girls got. He walked out the door 11:32 am and I felt my leave.

I went bad to bed and cried. I cried and cried. I refused to eat. I slept till about midnight . My head hurt so bad but then my phone rang. It was him. I was so happy but i felt the tears come to my eyes. I was so glad he called me and for that short while i felt happy again. When he hung up it all came back to me. The times we went to hotels and so much fun. The times when we would actually go out to hang out and have fun. The day i met his grandma and aunt. As scared as i was i was so happy that he even wanted me to meet them, but i was nervous that they might not like me. It was till a fun day because they were really sweet people, the view was amazing and we just had fun. All the fun memories came rushing in but then i started drift to a dark place. All our moments slowly stoped. We disn't do much anymore and that could be my fault because my family put me down to the point where i did not want to be outside being myself. I hated being what i was and i started to wonder that if they said it so much in from of him, is he going to think it too. I wasn't attractive or interesting anymore. Was it because they were doing things i wasn't. I then started to think of all the times that i was so annoying or did something impulsive which probably drove him into their arms. I began to wonder if it was my fault. Everything usually is. At some point i really felt like i was stopping him from being truly happy. Like i was stopping everyone from being truly happy.  I thought if i was gone he wouldn't have to feel  stuck to something or someone like me. I truly was losing hope that he loved me that night. He called almost three nights in a row and each call made me feel just a little better. I wanted him to leave me voice mails for each moth saying how much he loved me but  they still made me happy all the same. I listened to the all in order everyday just to feel close to hims. But i still felt so angry that I wasn't enough. I kept a clear mind because no matter how i tried to understand by doing... I could never.... NEVER, tell anyone else i loved them because it would be a lie. I could never ask them out, i could never make them a someone special  or plan my future with them because my soul and my every thing belonged to him.MY HEART YEARNED FOR HIM AND ONLY HIM. MY LOVE WAS FOR HIM AND ONLY HIM. WHY WASNT IT THE SAME WAY AROUND.  was it really all my fault

Soon his letters started to come. They slowly healed me because they felt so genuine. So new, so special. They made me feel like i actually mattered to him. I was off the moon. I was happy and I smiled more and didn't stay in my room in the dark as much. I just couldnt believe how much he actually loved me. Nothing else mattered but his love. God I'm happy. All the pain is gone, Its just the pain of missing him but i know he'll be back and that makes me happier. Please don't take this from me.

hoʻolohe

it means listen because i want him to listen to my heart and words so that he will understand just how much i love him 

TBC....