You Were My First Kiss (woman x woman)

I Love You Too Much

“I don't want to lose you. I, I love you. I care about you. And I'm not ready to move on. You mean so much more to me than I show and I don't know what to do. I'm awful with words, terrible with decisions, scared to do something, or anything wrong.
Losing you will break my heart and I'm not kidding. I can't live without you. I'm too used to you. I don't care if I'm being too selfish, it's your fault too. I offered multiple times to break ties with you! Every time you called me silly and refused. Now, when I'm so used to being with your side, you want to leave me behind? You are heartless!” I started sobbing quietly.

Audrey looked at me, whispering “sorry” over and over again.

“Sorry? What am I going to do with your sorry?” I cried out. “Am I going to hug your sorry when you are gone? Be thankful for you sorry if my heart is ripped into pieces and I'm left alone? I- I would rather die.” I was panicking that was sure but I meant every single word I said seriously.

“No!” She screamed looking terrified. “I don't allow that.”

My lips formed a sadistic smile. “You don't allow that? Who's going to stop me when you are gone?”

Audrey took gently my hand, raised it a bit, and planted a soft kiss on top of it. She then raised her eyes and looked directly into mine. “Please promise me that you will not do anything silly,” she said quietly.

“I won't promise you anything. I owe you nothing.” I pulled my hand out of her grip and walked out of the room. I didn't look back while I was walking downstairs. I walked past the paintings that were hanging on the walls. Walked out of the lobby that was so painfully familiar to me. I stepped down from the majestic stairs that was the entry of the grand castle I was leaving. The same stairs I was so amazed by when I first saw them. The same stairs where she first kissed me.

Tears were falling down from my face. My throat was hurting and I had difficulties breathing normally and not crying out loud. My head was already hurting and my heart was literally in pain.

I walked out of Audrey's territory feeling more empty inside with every step I made. I didn't know did I loved or hated her more at that moment. When I finally got into my house, I locked the door and fell on my knees. I cried uncontrollably, punching the floor with my fists. I was so angry and hurt at the same time. Phrases like “why me?” “I hate her” “please don't” “what am I going to do” “I love her...” ran through my head. Soon the words were just gibberish and I was left with the pure emotions only - pain, anger and love. I knew I was still in love otherwise I wouldn't have blinked at this situation but stupid, foolish, naive me had fallen in love although that was the one thing I promised myself never to do.

I laid down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. The house I had been living in for five years now had a simple design. The ceiling was wooden as well the floors and the walls. A new thought popped into my head. At first, it was like a curious little seed deciding is that a good environment where to root or not. Then it started to like it more and more and I sat up. I had decided. The seed had been planted. I rushed upstairs where my small room was and packed my things. There wasn't much that belonged to me anyway. I then wrote a short explanation to my lessor and then with my suitcase in the hand hurried to the train station.

I was lucky and got there just when people started to go on the train. I paid for my ticket and sat down under one of train many windows. Within a few minutes, the train started moving and gathering it's speed. I looked out of the window. I felt very confounded. I, the one who always said that they will never leave the home was now going away like a newborn adventurer? With one suitcase and not much of a money in hand? My head went spinning for a moment until I cleared my thoughts again. What else was I supposed to do? End my life? What good would that have brought? I didn't hate life quite the opposite as a matter of fact. Sure the life was often unfair and cruel but I had always been able to see good in it as well. I breathe slowly in and closed my eyes. I let the breath out and tried to settle down. I didn't feel any regrets but I didn't really know at all what I felt.

Although the thieves weren't that common, I stayed awake the whole day, the night, the next day morning and day. Then late at night, we arrived at the city that had a big port. I took a room for two days and slept until the next day at noon. I didn't see anything in my dreams which was probably good. I ate breakfast and was blessed with a very kind host. I then went outside and wandered around the shore. I didn't want to think anymore just act. I was too confused about my feelings so I decided it's best to stay focused on this journey because it was really starting to be one.

In one way all of it felt like running away to complete unknownness and maybe it's a bad idea but in another way, it felt like this is exactly what I'm supposed to do. That I'm running towards my fate. I was aware that I was also running away from the pain but I didn't see any point in the alternative - staying home and suffering - either. I went back to the guesthouse and went to bed early. I slept well and didn't see any dreams again. In the morning I ate my last breakfast there and then went to the pork. I had to wait half an hour, paid for my ticket, and went to my room. We were supposed to be at the sea for six days so I made myself feel cozy. My savings had noticeable decreased but I wasn't worried about it yet.

I started to write a journal, hoping this will help my mind to calm down. Every day I woke up at 8 am, dressed up, ate breakfast, walked around the ship, made some small talks, went back to my room, and wrote until dinner time. A lot of the people I met were going on a vacation but some were going after their dreams and very few of them were like me running away from something or someone. The passengers were in all shapes and shades. I was sure that on that ship were people with broken hearts and people who had broken hearts.

Writing was good for me but my recovery was slow. Often I felt like I would be in a dream, everything felt so unreal to be true. I really had fallen in love with a woman. Woman who made me feel the happiest I had ever been. Only to cruelly desert me later. I didn't even care what her reasons had been. Too many times I had offered her to stop it. Was I just a trophy for her to claim? When I was entirely hers, I wasn't interesting anymore and destined to left alone?

I really had to stop thinking about her but how could I? For more than a year she was in the middle of my attention. She played such a huge role in my life for so long time.

Few nights I cried myself to sleep. After I left home, I stopped seeing dreams in my sleep. My sleeping was steady but when I was awake, I was restless. Despite my weird moods, I made sure I ate and slept properly. I walked around the ship as much as I could and chatted with people from time to time.

We arrived at the final destination on May 1st and I had to prepare for the new page in my life.