Alone with my thoughts...

Summary of my feelings

My life started off pretty okay besides a lack of a fatherly figure in the house (well apartment at the time). I was born on August 4th, 2004 and to be quite honest i don't really remember the first years of my life besides a few bits and pieces that i might go into later if my mind hasn't wandered off beforehand. Growing up so far hasn't been as good as i had hoped it would be but hey, other people have it worse so i don't see why i should complain. Family-wise i have a sister and a mother and some not so stable grandparents, I was never the favorite and that was always made clear from being sent to my great grandmas house while my grandparents took my sister to disneyland or getting a disposable camera at the bestbuy checkout while my sister is holding her brand new computer and Kindle.

People always try and find some reason or excuse to not treat me with decency because the second i feel like i matter then nobody has their emotional punching bag anymore, it has always been like that and honestly im used to it. I guess that explains why im always socially awkward when somebody communicates to me because all i know how to say with confidence is "Its okay, im here for you." or "Is there anything i can do to make you feel better?" but everything else i struggle to say.

I always feel so guilty for the smallest things in life and i do nothing but overthink, if i accidentally speak while your speaking i'll think to myself "God why am i such a fuck up, *person* was trying to speak and i spoke over them and they're probably annoyed and hate me.." or if i do literally anything the inconveniences you in the slightest i will cry about it all night because i took time and happiness out of your day. Therapists don't work because i know that they're paid to do all the shit they do and at the end of the day im just another kid that has issues but i still talk to them to make myself  feel wanted because i have always been a hair away from just killing myself. Its actually funny that the only reason i haven't killed myself is not because i fear someone would miss me but rather because if i did it would just be more stress on my mom who has already been through enough just raising me and my sister, it wouldn't be to kind of me to end everything after all the money and time she has put into me.

I have no self worth or any worth in general and honestly if i did kill myself things would be different for people but only in a better way. No more annoyance, no more fucking things up for people, no more stress from my selfish actions, and no more me at all...

Katelin, I know that you are no doubt the only one who's gonna read this if you even decide to do such which i wouldn't blame you if you didn't. You have been a great friend to me for the time ive known you and i pray to a god that i don't believe in that i dont fuck all this up like i usually do with everyone else. I just wanna thank you for being here for these pat couple of days that tanner hasn't spoken to me because im scared for my mental health, i remember the days that i would wait all day at school to get home and play call of duty because i enjoyed it but then it turned from that to me not being able to wait to get home to play videogames so i could clear my mind. I miss those days but now videogames just dont have the same spark as they did before, the light at the end of the tunnel is fading. I fully rely on you and the rest of the squad to keep the light from dying because playing videogames just doesn't cut it anymore, i need you guys to joke with and just be there to distract me from life and im scared to lose you guys because life is a balance beam and you guys are the only things balancing me from falling into the suicidal tendencies below.. I love you guys with all my heart and hope to god i never lose you guys