" 'If I concern myself for myself, the unique one, then my concern rests on its transitory, mortal creator, who consumes himself, and I may say:
All things are nothing to me.' Well said as always Stirner" the Egoist said, closing 'The Ego and it's Own' after his daily read of the lecture. Reading egoist literature was truly one of life's few pleasures he could still enjoy undisturbed, now that he lived in the Off-Compass mansion.
"It's a true shame, even if it is mutually beneficial for all of us" he sighed, unlocking his door and turning into the corridor. Closing it wasn't really needed, as the only things that would ever go missing from inside were his toothbrushes, and he always knew where to steal them back from. The Communalist wasn't the worst offender however. If it hadn't been for the Darwinist literally brutalizing a Squirrel and putting it on his pillow, he would give the spot at the top to IngSoc.
How many times had he now found the Supreme Party Leader, digging through his bookshelves, confiscating and replacing timeless classics for, what he believes to be, "renewed, reviewed and modernized" versions. Frankly, the Egoist didn't care much for the fancy 'Newspeak' spook, so the old books always found their way back to him one way or another.
As he walked down the corridor, along the rooms of his fellows, he couldn't help but notice immense noise coming from Big Brothers door. It sounded like constant banging on a machine, with a consistent noise, approximately every ten seconds.
Now rather intrigued, the Egoist knocked on the door, only to find it open. Sticking his head into the room, he saw a right busy IngSoc, typing away on a typewriter, slamming it back in place for a new row of words, hastily written.
"What is that you want Egoist? I'm rather busy at the moment" the man said, taking the Egoist by suprise. While he knew Big Brother saw everything in the mansion and beyond, it took some time to adjust to the constant surveillance. "Well, Big Brother, I heard you making a lot of noise in here, so I thought I'd cure my curiosity by looking in. Care to elaborate on what you are so busy with?"
The embodiment of the Party typed away silently for a few seconds, only answering after he ripped the Paper from the machine and handed it to the Egoist. Without looking away from the typewriter, he said "It's a 400,650 word long document the Darwinist dared me to translate into Newspeak. He said I could never fit it on to one sheet of paper. Safe to say, I proved him wrong." The Egoist could swear to see a slight grin on the mans face, right before he began typing again. "I would be very grateful if you brought this to him, and to tell him he owes the party a packet of razors. You currently have nothing to do, so it wouldn't negatively affect you to do so. The Darwinist is outside, laying on a chair. The party is forever indebted to you if you choose to do so, but as you know, debts are spooks, so therefore the Party was never indebted to you, so you might as well..." "Yes yes," the Egoist interrupted the rambling IngSoc, "I'll bring him this note. But you'd better stop sorting through my books as repayment."
He shut the door as BB just began to say that "the party does not adhere to your demands, and moreover-". While he was as efficient and effective as one could be, the man was truly a pain to talk to, but try as he might, he did find his presence rather enjoyable when they were arguing on theory.
Thinking about theory, he walked down the stairs, even allowing himself to cheat on his diet, grabbing a piece of freshly made apple pie. If it was the almost deafening noise of IngSoc or his general lack of care, one of these made it very easy to ignore the wails of the Communalist, crying about how "it couldn't be split evenly now".
Opening the door to the garden, he looked upon a shirtless Darwinist, resting on a barstool. He looked to be sleeping, and sounded like it to. The snoring was hard to ignore.
"Ahem, Darwinist? Are you alive?" he carefully asked, just for the Darwinist to jump up on his stool, panicking to remain balanced. "Oh my dead god that was close, phew... what do you want Egoist? Could you not see I was minding my own business? I thought those eye-enhacing pussy-magnets on your nose were supposed to make you look better, not worse." The Egoist sighed. "Nice barbs Darwinist, but it was clear to me you were napping. Anyways, I'd love to stay and 'roast' you to the high heavens, but I'm only here to deliver you this letter to you from BB. He said it was a document you wanted in Newspeak? Why would you even want this?" he said, tossing the folded paper to the Darwinist, who took a quite glance at it and immediately tore it up into pieces. "Oh that was just a distraction for him to not be on my back for today. Worked real good too."
Inside, the deafening noise stopped, now giving way to heavy footfall, only followed by a very disgruntled looking BB and a sobbing Communalist, whining about someone "ruining his cake" and "not-really-but-kinda-really-hating it here".
"You." IngSoc said, pointing at the smugly smiling Darwinist, "You just tore up 4 hours and 47 minutes of tedious and painful work of rewriting your poorly written 'document'. Give me one good reason not to immediately-"
"Landmines." the Darwinist interrupted, pointing at the hole in front of IngSoc, where true to his word, a half buried landmine sat, without a care in the world. "YOU BURIED LANDMINES IN THE YARD?" the Egoist shouted, "WHY IN GODS NAME DID YOU SPOT THE YARD WITH MINES?!" "To get rid of a pest I've been trying to get rid off for a few weeks now, and no, I don't mean the [REDACTED] I mean that seed-eating bastard". The Darwinist pointed up toward the ceiling of the mansion, where a sole Pidgeon was sitting, gurring the day away. "This little shit has been defecating on my Gunshed for weeks now, and even worse, he's survived all my traps so far. I've tried poison, auto-turrets, laser grids, barbed wire, assassins and even flew out of direct contact distance once! So if it tries to take off now, I'm blowing that shitter sky high... or whatever comes after that"
As IngSoc and the Egoist were both looking at the stern Darwinist quite dumbfounded, the Communalist just poured while remarking "Well if he survived all your over the top stunts so far, ain't it the best bird around?"
All the Off-Compasses looked at the Communalist, rather confused at his sassy remark. "You know [REDACTED] ?", the Darwinist said, breaking the silence, "I think you've got a point there... well, I guess I won't need these then!" He produced a little switch from his pocket, while smiling up at the Pidgeon. "YOU WIN YOU STUPID BIRD!"
Before the Egoist could even react, he was pulled back into the mansion and thrown behind a shelf, the Communalist landing behind him, only followed by the hulking Big Brother shouting "CLOSE EYES AND EARS"
A second later, a flash of light illuminated the mansion, ripping the curtains to shreds shortly after blowing out every window in a half mile radius throughout the neighborhood, leaving their yard looking like a mortar-strike impact site.
Coughing the Egoist came to, blinking and watching to the Darwinist, Communalist and IngSoc fighting, the Communalist desperately trying to pull IngSoc back from the Darwinist, who in turn was trying to rip Big Brothers baton from his hands.
"I hate it here." The Egoist sighed, seconds before passing back out into the pile of rubble around him. He would stay there for a long time.
