The Top Ham -The first novel by FukGrills69666

Chapter Juan (One)

I remember when school wasn’t so hard. When maintaining a decent social life wasn’t 24/7 work. Yeah, I remember that. I’m talking about grade 1 of course, you stupid. When we all just made fun of Daffy and Nico for being ‘in love’ and supposedly having underage no-no time. But for me it was more of a crush. I had attempted sexual moves multiple times on this one girl named Sarena Smith, but I also wussied out at the last moment. All my friends called me a scaredy cat and so one time, I went for it. Didn’t go out as I had expected. At all.

          Ended up in the principals office for hours with my Mom and had to eat lunch in the office for several weeks. Somehow Sarena doesn’t recognize me today, today being grade 5.

           Oh but I’m not done with backstory yet, not even close. Grade two rolled around and although my friends were all finally getting in good with some girls/grills, I still had a somewhat weird thing going with Sarena Smith. I mean, it wasn’t really a THING. But whenever I turned the corner to go to the playground, I saw her. She was always there and sometimes we held 2 seconds of exchanging glances and it was LOADED with sexual tension. No lie I promise. Ok a little lie. Ok there was no tension at all, ok? Sheesh so harsh.

             Anyway I never manned up to try to make a move on her, but I knew I would grow some hair on my balls soon to make the move. Maybe. I don’t know. Anyway Grade three was kind of the same thing except I was starting to get some serious street cred. Word got out about the move on Sarena those years ago, so some of the other guys obsessing over here gave me that respect yo. Oh, not cool? Eh whatever you’re not funny either.

             Ok so grade three was the same, but grade four, I gotta highlight. Because I was in the same class as Sarena Smith now. I mean you already KNOW, I’ma get all up in that. Well I mean that’s what I said to myself. Apparently there was this weird thing. Everyone thought that this fag named Roberto Bryant was trying to get all up in dat pussy too! I mean who dat man tink he is Sarena be my hoe! Still not cool? Whatever you probably have a stick up your ass…

            So yeah I thought those two were in some kind of friends with benefits kind of thing or something, so I stayed out of that cats no-no zone for the year. But I kept her going real good with a poke war. It had sexual tension written all over it. With every poke it was like “Hey baby, come here. We can have a nice dinner, and go up to my bedroom, play around in the sheets for awhile, and make a FORTRESS HELLS YEAH”. Loljk we play in the sheets meaning we do the no-no.

                That brings us to now. Sarena ain’t in my class so it’s hard to make moves, mainly since the fact there are hoardes of guys all up in there trying to get that ass every damn recess. Thirsty guys…. so thirsty. Oh sh- that was the recess bell. I’ll write about all the drama and relationships and who has banged and what not later. Gotta go eat my dang lunchables.