𝚆𝙰𝙸𝙳𝙼𝙰𝙽𝙽𝚂 𝙷𝙴𝙸𝙻 ,, magnus nielsen

chapter five|how it feels to be lost

Chapter Five

how it feels to be lost

I felt like someone had run a sword through my body. Horrible sobs racked my body and it took Magnus hours to fully calm me down. Neither of my parents made any effort to speak to me. I think they were both in shock. Ulrich tried to ask me questions, and I kept choking up. Half the time, Magnus had to finish sentences for me. By the end of the ordeal, we had deduced that I was on the other side of the forest by the time Heidi had been killed.

According to Martha, Bartosz couldn't provide Charlotte with an alibi.

Magnus was my rock throughout my grief week. He refused to leave my side if he didn't have to. I was lying in bed, dressed only in one of his t-shirts and a pair of flannel shorts, cradling a stuffed doll that looked like the Demon from KISS, the constellation light on full blast. Magnus was lying facing me, at the edge of the bed so he could get me anything I needed.

"What do you think happened at the caves?" I asked timidly

"I think that only Heidi really knows." Magnus answered solemnly, reaching for my hand

"I feel terrible to think this, but is there even a chance that Bartosz may have done it?" I asked, a growing pit in the bottom of my stomach

Magnus shook his head "You can't think like that, Liese. Bartosz was horribly in love with Heidi, it was sickening. I don't think he could have consciously hurt her."

"He couldn't consciously step on an ant." I laughed slightly.

"Hey, my dad will figure it out. You're gonna be okay."

"I hope so. I miss her."

____

A few days later, there was a vigil for Heidi down at the lake. I didn't know about it until an hour before, due to my reluctance to leave my room. Magnus knocked on the door.

"Liese? Are you going to the memorial?" the tall blonde boy asked, turning down my stereo

"I don't want to. Too many memories. It's going to be painful. I might as well stay here."

He sat down next to me on the bed, brushing my greasy hair out of my face. I hadn't had a shower in three days. I'd also barely eaten, my half full breakfast plate sitting on the floor next to my phone, which had no battery life left.

"Annaliese, I'm worried about you. I think you should go. Martha and Franziska will be there, it will do you some good to see them."

"I don't know, Magnus."

"Please? Do it for me?"

I slowly sat up, still dressed in Magnus' three-day old shirt "If I'm going to make myself go, I'm going to need a couple hits." I gestured to the poorly hidden splint in his jacket pocket

He nodded. "I'll give you some space to get changed. Meet me downstairs and we can walk there together?"

"Sounds good."

I struggled to drag myself out of bed, quickly dressing in one of Magnus' Thrasher sweaters he left in my basement along with a pair of jeans that had considerably less holes in it than all the other pairs I owned. I tied my hair into a bun at the nape of my neck, throwing a bandana over it so that nobody could tell how greasy it was. Grabbing my Vans form under the bed, I met Magnus downstairs. He had lit the splint already, holding it between his lips as I locked the front door, the breeze making me shudder involuntarily.

I took a drag, exhaling smoke as I spoke "Look at me. Adele is going to be pissed that I showed up to my best friends memorial stoned."

"At least you'll be there." Magnus said, reaching out to hold my hand

"Come on. If we don't start walking now, I'm gonna chicken out and go back inside."

The memorial for Heidi Vogel was held by the lake, candles set up on the banks against picture frames showing the blonde girl at her best. I smiled, a tear escaping my eye when I saw a picture taken at her Sweet Sixteen, Martha and I at either side of the blonde.

Spotting the brunette on the other end of the pictures, I ran over and engulfed her in a hug. She didn't look any better than I did, opting just to wear her flannel pyjama pants and an old Walking on Cars shirt. We both cried a little, before Franziska joined us and reminded us of something.

"Heidi wouldn't want you to cry. She hated making people cry. If anything, I think she'd want us to laugh as we remembered all the shit we did together."

"I miss her." Martha said, voice hoarse

"God, so do I." I spoke, resting my head on her shoulder as I looked out at the candles and poster boards.

Bartosz was standing off to the side, on his own. Some people had already jumped to the conclusion that he did it, seeing as how he was the last person to see Heidi, and that the woods were empty. The Tiedemann family had been receiving death threats, making Bartosz's grief worse. I felt terrible for even considering that he might have played a part in the tragedy.

"Annaliese." Adele Vogel's hoarse voice spoke. Her eyes were rimmed in red, as if she had never stopped crying, a thick blue scrapbook in her hands. "Heidi would have wanted you to have this. She never finished it. Maybe you can."

Hands shaking, I took the book and opened to the first page, dominated by a picture of Martha, Franziska, Heidi and I during her first summer in Winden. We were at this very lake. We were happy. I almost broke down just looking at the picture. Even Franziska looked emotional.

That was when I swore that if Ulrich and Charlotte couldn't figure this out, that I would.

But the arrest they made would send shock waves through the town, tearing what was left of our world apart.