what i was thinking

chapter 1

I'd often be reminded about this when people would bring up family. Family, parents, happiness/sadness, all that stuff. No, I don't like being reminded about it, I guess not everyone goes through something like that. It's not the worst that could've happened but I'd never thought my mama and I would be placed in a situation like this. Not only did it affect us two, but my grandmother too. Nanna Dot (well Nanna Dorothy sometimes) had watched her daughter Iris: my mom, go through 3 marriages. My mom was a good person. She didn't deserve any of this. Any of what happened to her. I'd joke around sometimes and call her Iris, but then I started sounding like my step dad: Frank. 

I never wanted Frank to be apart of our lives. It was just Iris and Selina, mother and daughter, forever. We'd visit Nancy and John's house a lot and mother said it was so I could play with their kids who would soon become my cousins. Amy and Lana were near my age so it was fun hanging out with them. Amy was 2 years older than I was, and Lana just a year younger. At the time when we first met I was 10 going into 11 soon. 

I'll say Iris because I sometimes can't even say mamma as I'm still mad, mad that this had to happen. And it's her goddamn fault!

Iris and I pulled up to an unfamiliar street on an unfamiliar side of town. She called someone on the phone and I just sat there, wondering who in the world she was talking to. After sitting for about 5 minutes I saw someone. A man. I had NEVER seen that man before and honestly young me had no idea what was going on. 

He literally walked up to the front seat next to Iris and opened the door. I felt like he wasn't good news but maybe I was wrong. Also I wanted Iris to be happy. 
"Hello Iris."
"Frankkk! Frank meet Selina!"
"Hi." I had said forcing a smile. I'd only seen my biological father once, when I was 8, apart from that, no man had set foot in Iris's car. I wasn't going to be her biggest priority anymore. 

So many questions went through my tiny head:
Okay how do they know each other, is this their first meeting?
Is he my step dad, what do I even call him?

In our family, it's considered inappropriate to call an adult by their name so I didn't know what to call him. 

This was the day Iris was getting a new phone, a silver iPhone 5s. She was getting it from the post office near the place we picked up Frank. Frank and I didn't talk, he said a few words to Iris but I remained silent. I was after all Silent Selina, always obeying, never a no. When I felt his presence, I felt jealousy and anger. You Frank, don't get to walk into our lives and take my mamma away from me. But Iris was happy, I'd never seen her with a man. 

My biological father went off to another country to study a long time ago, he wasn't even there to cut my umbilical cord . I look an awful lot like him, Iris said I didn't but Nanna Dot said I did. Dorothy really liked my father, she wanted her Iris to be happy, but not with Frank.  

As Iris picked her new phone up, I saw a wooden panda thing that you could put together then paint. It caught my eye for just a second and Frank asked if I wanted it, that he would buy it for me. I didn't want to come off as rude so I politely said yes. I didn't want it though. 

From there, Iris and Frank took me to my mamma's side cousins. I made my panda there. When I'm forced to go somewhere I don't like or when mamma picks me up late, I get this feeling in my stomach. I know it will go away, but I hate it. God the amount of times Iris picked me up at 5pm from school, when it clearly ended at 3:30pm. It was embarrassing too. I hated staying in the front office waiting for her while all the students and teachers had left. 

Anyways, I wanted to go home and NOT stay at my cousin's place. Sure I loved them, but it wasn't fair on me. Why couldn't they take me with them. Oh this was before I knew about sex and adult things. I don't think they had sex on their first meeting though. Sex before marriage is forbidden and you'd go to hell. 

I locked myself in my aunty's bathroom and cried. They asked what was wrong and I said I was feeling sick, damn right I was. I hated being left out, like seriously Iris, you'd rather spend time with him rather than with your own daughter?! I had two older cousins and one younger one. The eldest girl was 16, the middle boy was 14 and the youngest was 7. The eldest and middle were definite siblings while the youngest, he was from her recent marriage. He didn't know that they were only half siblings, there were multiple occasions where I wanted to tell him but I didn't want to focus going on me. He was somewhat of a snitch back then. 

Iris and I had a little, 2 bedroom unit quite far away from my aunty and Nanna Dot. Frank and Iris would be staying there. It was a tiny place, truly no privacy. The bathroom had a lock and so did Iris's room, mine however, there was no lock or no security so anyone could barge in. 

I used to sleep in the same bed as my mamma as there was no one to sleep with her, also I was scared of the dark. Nanna Dot used to sleep in my 'now' bedroom. Dorothy now lives in her house, which my cousins used to live in. By cousins I mean them three, my aunty and my uncle. My uncle was more of a dad than any one was, one time when I was 4, he shaved my head because he insisted it would grow better. He always gave me $50 for my birthday or any special occasion and I loved it. 

I ended up staying at my aunt's place for 3 days! When I saw Iris again, I was gonna be mad and show her that no one, absolutely no one, can leave me like that.