Becoming April

Growing up

I had an ordinary family with no tragedies, a regular family. Mum and Dad both worked, Mum had various part time jobs so she could be "there for us" and Dad worked in an office in town Monday to Friday. 
As a small child I never questioned who I was, I didn't understand what being a boy actually meant. It was a word. I preferred my hair long, I wore shorts and t shirts, played games with nursery school friends both girls and boys, we played trains, construction toys and played house. 

As I got older about 7 or eight, I found I preferred to talk to my girl friends,we all liked sci-fi, and comics, but I just felt more comfortable being with them than the boys. School was ok, I attended a small local school and had known my classmates since kindergarten.
The worst time was our annual summer holiday away to a hot sandy beach location, it was the highlight of my parents year, but was dreaded by me. My parents would spend the time at the hotel pool sipping cocktails stunning themselves, whilst Grace and I would spend our time in the company of a gang of unruly children and incompetent game coordinators.  I would shyly stay by Grace's side and laughed at and by the other boys picked on for my long wavy hair, after I was inevitably mistaken by them for a girl, and then almost forcibly removed from my sisters side to join in with the boys games. I didn't hate the boys games, I just didn't feel comfortable in the group. I was not part of them, I didn't then understand why.

High school was very problematic. A large school a bus ride away, all the smaller junior schools fused together bringing subgroups and rivalries,  divided by interests, ability, status and look. I gravitated towards the geeky group, with all my  closest friends from junior school.
Suddenly puberty was in full flow around me, raging hormones.  Mine and others.  Teenagers in varied stages of development.

I despised my changing body, I avoided looking at it when I could. I showered in pants or t shirt when I could get away with it.  The more I developed more I loathed it.

I started to discover my attraction for guys, I decided therefore I must be gay. 

It was watching  a reality TV program that I finally had the realisation of why I felt different . The program followed the transition of  four different trans people. I recognised myself. I identified with them completely. I then had to work out what to do.