THURSDAY JULY 9TH
My head spinning through the worst nightmares as I woke up. I get back to my memories in a flash and then I come back to the reality. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? What have I done? I question myself without knowing the exact answers... So many questions are haunting through my mind each day. But I never give up. I always get up and try to find answers for my life... I ask myself what is life and my inner mind answers it saying that life is everything... My inner mind ponders not knowing what is everything while my heart wanders.
Oh! The memories of him still in my mind even if its for a while. It all began on a Friday, the day where we spoke for hours till the next day. So strange isn't it. Being so close to someone whom Ive had known only for a few days and now that he left me without any explanation my life feels so empty.my heart is imprisoned out of darkness where a glimpse of lightness could not be seen. You are the invisible light at a distance. Life is so unpredictable... yesterday you were my sunshine but today I couldn't see you even in the moonlight as you became the darkness of my life.
During the few days where we spent time together with happiness I didnt realize that this strange unknown relationship would come to an end so soon. I never realized the value of the moments that Ive spent with you. You once told me that I will be always worth to you and now that u have gone I believe that Im so worthless to anyone in my life...
Is there some supernatural connection between us which the heart and mind doesnt know.is it beyond the capacity of thinking, so many questions through my mind? Why did he come into my life? Why did he give me a different feeling which Ive never had before? Why does it have to end? Why is god giving such experiences? Is it for my own regret? Or is it for my temporary happiness? Happiness has always been a passing cloud to me...If you ask me the definition of happiness, I would say that it is a temporary feeling which fades away in time...and why are sadness and regret everlasting? Is it a lesson to go through or is it something to live with...?
So many questions in my head unanswered. Who would give me the exact answers to my feelings?
Why didnt you enter my life before? If youve had would my life be less different? Would have I known the meaning of true love? If I was with you would have, I experienced a life filled with love? You should have visited my heart earlier before the worst experiences that Ive had in my life. While I was suffering from being cheated, finding for true love... Before Ive loved a guy who is great in my life being true to me...but I wonder that you would have being perfect for me Life is so complicated that even your very own decisions which you made at a time with full of happiness and love turns out to be a worse decision that youve ever madewhy did u bring happiness in my life and then suddenly leave me with pain...? The pain which my heart endures is so un explainable. Sometimes I too dont know how to measure my pain and love for you. I cannot understand my own feelings. Im suffering to realize my own heart before its too late...
You have shared so many things about your life to me which you have never said anyone before... You shared me your worst experiences and about your past. Why does it have to be me? Why did you choose me to say all your untold feelings to me? Why did you become so attached to me? Is it to isolate me or to give me more pain that Ive never gone through before?
You left me just yesterday but I feel like a decade as my heart aches so much. That feeling when I spent time with you for a few days, made me feel that Ive known you for so many years... Why do I have that feeling that Ive known you for years? Do I really know you or is it only my imagination?
When I told you my painful past, you said that you worried about it so much and tears filled your eyes... And now why did you give me the same pain again by leaving my eyes full of tears... I regret for hurting you as well as myself. But the choice which I take isnt that easy... What choice should I go for? To choose you and live an extraordinary life while cheating someone and giving him unbearable pain. Or to choose him and live an ordinary peaceful life? Is it my fault to choose my pain than hurting someone else? Should I be in my own little world with peace or should I enter your world with guilt?
Why do I feel so attached to you...? To be precise emotionally attached with you? Who are you to me...? Just a stranger whom Ive had not known before or a person who gives me meaning for my life for a fleeting moment. Why does it have to happen to me? Is it a trial given by god? Why do I have such feelings for you? Am I cheating you, my love or my own self? Whom am I cheating? And who would have answers to all my questions about my very own life.? I hope god gives all the answers to my unanswered questions. I only hope... And still I never gave up on my hopes. And it is the only reason that Im living this miserable interrogated life...
Will life be easier without you? What would I do to my heart which keeps on thinking and longing for you...? There is no good heart better than yours. Dont you realize what I want for...? Dont you understand my heart?
Youve said me that people left you because you were being true to yourself then why did you leave me after being true to yourself. This time I didnt leave you...but you chose to leave me. Is it the punishment that you are giving me for thinking about you? Or is it the thought in your mind that you have taken the best decision, to leave me broken with so many unanswered questions?
